We all used to be somebody
by emmapaz
Summary: Post season 3 drama fic- Most of the old inmates are stuck in the SHU with Piper's powerful status lingering within the prison system, creating fear amongst the newbies. That will quickly change as this story progresses, so be sure to follow
1. Change

"Tell me that the pussy is mine, yeah. Tell me, tell me baby, that it's all mine." Tone deaf and laughably horrible, Piper prances around her dorm singing, not caring who hears or how many eyes are stuck to her cockiness.

She's the og in here. She knows what she's doing. She knows the ropes. This is her turf. And the new inmates know that from first glance.

Piper doesn't really think about what she's singing, or the 'non-birthday gift' that the song was a part of. She doesn't even think about Alex anymore. _Not even once._ The business is Piper's first priority in this place and instead of Alex being the only thing in focus, now she's the only thing in the background.

The panty business is growing to new heights with the introduction of the new inmates. The freshest meat possible with all their nervousness and predictability is a sure fire way to haul in some more dough.

Most of the old inmates are in the SHU due to their 'escape' down to the lake. Piper really wants nothing more than to rub it in their faces once they return. Piper's still standing. Still powerful. While the others have been drained head to toe by the isolation that is the SHU.

From the looks of things, the guards are preparing to bring them back into Litchfield as rumours and talk circle the prison. Besides the fact that Piper can brag about herself once the old inmates are back, she doesn't really want them to be in the prison. They don't have the same fear that the new inmates do. It's excites Piper. Makes her feel superior. Queen Piper of Litchfield.

…...

The new inmates have been placed into the dorms without any form of initiation. But the bed that lays next to Piper is still vacant, with Red's scent still lingering. Her bunk is her own personal haven that is isolated from the mess and chaos that is outside the walls. It's the best kind of solitude within the prison and even better when inmates are too scared to bother her.

With a business management book in hand, Piper rests her body on the bed she still hasn't quite gotten used to. She doesn't remember the exact feelings of having a bed that doesn't feel like she's laying on a timber slab, but she knows she misses it.

"Haven't I heard some shit about you King Chapman." Piper's eyes bounce from the pages of her book, to the entrance of her bunk. There she lays eyes on Nicky Nichols in all her glory. Although Nicky's charm still remains, her eyes look drained and lifeless, like she's the old Nicky trapped in a downgraded shell. It's almost as if she's trying too hard to look like herself again.

"Well look who it is." Nicky feels like a long lost friend. Her absence has stretched longer than anyone anticipated and it shows with every move she makes.

"How's the business treating you?"

"Great. You came here to be a part of it? I've got the panties all ready to go."

"Hell fucking no. I'm not having some perverted grandpa sniffing my dirty draws."

"Suite yourself Nicky"

Nicky's eyes trickle down to Piper's exposed arm. She squints her eyes in an attempt to recognise the letters that make up the words engraved into Piper's skin. Nicky grabs at Piper's arm and glares at the tattoo long enough to see the writing. Piper jolts to life, flinging her arm back, embarrassed by her reluctance to expose her tattoo.

A simple realisation has Nicky shifting her appearance and actions towards Piper.

"Who are you Chapman? Swear this wasn't how I remember you. You think you're some big shot badass now huh? Trust no bitch? Do you not remember the person you were when you first got here? You read a book on how to survive prison. Funnily enough, I liked you better back then. The things I've heard about you now, they are messed up to say the least."

"People evolve Nichols. Go ahead and have a problem but I'm not changing myself for you. Or for anybody else for that matter." Eyes wide, Piper confidently stands her ground, sitting up to make sure she doesn't seem small. It's all about appearance to Piper. It's all about how others perceive her and the upholding of power.

"Whatever kid. I'm not cleaning up people's messes anymore. Where is everybody else? Where's Red?"

"In the SHU" Piper re-opens her book and nonchalantly continues to read. She doesn't give an ounce of care that Nicky has a problem with her, or that most of the other inmates are in the SHU.

"You're telling me that the one person who is running a crime ring inside this prison AKA _YOU_ , is still roaming around here while the rest are in SHU?"

"Damn right."

"This place never fails to amaze me with it's stupidity." Nicky scoffs and leaves, not giving Piper time to reply even if she wanted to.

Piper laughs to herself, knowing how proud of herself she is. This is the person she has always wanted to be. Someone that never gets stepped on. Somebody who stands their ground. Selfish and free.

...

At lunch Piper sits by herself. She can hear the whispers of the new inmates as she walks past with her plate of food. They envy her. They don't know what Piper's true capabilities are, but their assumptions are near perfect. Piper sabotaging Stella's release is enough to make any new inmates reek with fear.

Piper spots Nicky sitting at another table furthest from her all alone. She looks like she's struggling to make even the simplest of movements. She's in pain and trying to suppress it, but Piper can see through the fake exterior in an instant.

Nicky looks up to catch Piper looking at her, but before Piper configures an intimidating reply to the eye contact, she feels a light tap on her shoulder.

"Excuse me"

Piper turns her head to the right to see a frail inmate in a bright orange jumpsuit staring back at her

"What?" Piper's tone is like cement; rock solid.

"I, ah, I heard that you might are offering payments if I, uhh, wear panties?"

"Take a seat" Piper points to the chair opposite her and the inmate follows the command with caution.

"I give you panties, you wear the panties, you return the panties and you get paid. Got it?"

The inmate nods without hesitation.

Piper creeps into her waistband, keeping an eye on the guards snooping around the cafeteria. She crunches up the panties in her hand and passes them under the table into the inmates hands.

"Don't let the guards see you with this."

"Ok thank you."

"You can go now" Pipers eyes are wide. Making the new inmates feel worthless and more like a peasant than a human being.

Once the inmate has left the cafeteria, Piper puts the remnants of food on her tray in the bin.

Piper suddenly noticed that the cafeteria begins to feel small and full of orange, with little khaki to be seen. It's all of the inmates returning from SHU. Each and every one of them.

She's not bothered to stay. She doesn't really care. So she just goes back to her bunk and continues reading until Red disturbs her peace.

Red smiles from ear to ear as she watches Piper's eyes move from the words on the page to Red's face.

"It's good to see a familiar face in here. This place is overflowing with newbies."

"Tell me about it."

"Hows Alex been? You two are the only ones that matter to me that didn't come down to the lake."

Piper scrunches her face, confused at Red's remark. "How would I know how Alex has been?"

"I know you two aren't on the best of terms but you must at least see her around to know she's ok?"

"She wasn't at the lake?"

Red reciprocates Piper's confusion. "No, I thought she was in here with you?"

"So she wasn't in the SHU?"

"Piper, she would have come out with the rest of us. There's not a closed cell in there."

"You can't just lose somebody like that can you?"

"Prisons don't lose people."

"Alex is a big girl, I'm sure she's sorted." Although Piper finds it odd that Alex is nowhere to be seen, she doesn't put too much thought into it. Alex survived when Piper left her, and she'll survive wherever she is now.

...

Another week that passes. Piper has been occupied with her business, trying to keep a hold of distribution figures. She hasn't got a lot of time to think about anything else and she wouldn't have it any other way.

Piper's walking to collect a bunch of panties from Spanish Harlem. Her eyes focusing on the direct line in front of her, not paying attention to anything else. She's trying to calculate exactly how many panties she should be receiving and the amount she has to pay the inmates, but she hears someone calling her name.

The voice is soft and tender; worn to the core. It's damaged and weak, but when Piper looks up, the appearance of Alex Vause is more horrific than the sound of her voice.

Alex is being pushed in a wheelchair by a guard. Bruises paint her body with unnatural patterns that look more like a disease than an artwork. Piper follows the stitched wound that begins at the top of Alex's forehead and continues just below her eye. It makes the hairs on her arm stand up and her palms sweaty. _It makes her panic._

Piper has never seen Alex's eyes show so much pain. Alex is broken and you only need to see the visual to understand how demolished Alex is as a person is.

"What happened to you" Piper is extremely careful as she moves closer to Alex, kneeling to be at eye level.

Alex bursts into tears. She's never been like this. Never let herself fall into the pit of her own emotions. Her pride has always gotten in the way. All she's wanted is to be in a state of control, but this is the furthest point from where she wants to be. The crying hurts her, inside and out as her chest is filled with terror and her lungs struggle to complete their duties.

"Alex, I'm here. It will be ok." Piper can hardly hear the words that leave her mouth over her pulsing heart. She can feel it thumping in her head. The panic is hard to control. She's so stupid. God how could she be so stupid. So careless. _She did this to her_. She tries to gulp down the lump in her throat but it just keeps growing and growing until tears that are fought escape, breaking down everything that was holding Piper together.

Piper takes Alex's hand in hers, stroking it, trying not to look into Alex's eyes. Alex's eyes are a mirror into the horrific person Piper is. This fake persona that she was so proud of possessing.

Alex's cries are irregular and childlike. They lack the strength and backbone to be anything other than destroying. She doesn't move. She doesn't have the strength. Alex has been beaten to breaking point and there is nothing left for her to fight for.

"She's going to be put in one of the smaller dorms. Just for now anyway until she can properly fend for herself." The guard interrupts the crying hysteria and makes Piper jolt with the presence of a new voice.

Piper nods, not really registering what the guard says, only recognising it as a statement.

"Counts in 5, so you better get back to where you need to be." The new guard wheels a destroyed Alex past Piper. Piper stays still registering what she just saw; a stranger that is broken and it's all her fault. It couldn't be real. _That's not Alex_. Things like that don't happen to Alex.

"Alex." The name comes out of her mouth like sandpaper. It rips at her throat until it is red raw. Until it feels like Alex's skin.

 _Piper can't breathe._


	2. It's only a damn orange

It shouldn't take this long to count inmates.

It shouldn't feel this painful to breathe.

And it shouldn't be this easy for Piper to blame herself.

But it is.

There's a war inside Piper and the only opponent is herself.

There's no one else to fight and there's no one that deserves to lose more than she does.

But there's a fight that she's already lost. She's lost Alex and she's lost who she was when she was with her.

The purity of the joy and undeniable love for Alex that made Piper feel like she was on cloud nine every time she was in her presence or even thought about her.

But Piper managed to brush it all under the rug and pretend it never existed.

She did it all through Alex's paranoia, and all the remnants were hidden when she pressed her lips against Stella's.

Piper went through the actions with Alex like nothing had ever changed, but every emotion was replaced with a mechanical instruction that she did on instinct instead of love.

Every kiss and every touch was done because she _always_ did it, not because she wanted to.

But burned into Piper's memory is Alex's helplessness that Piper never thought Alex would have connected to her, and suddenly every piece of emotion and feeling that was hidden under the rug was yanked out and laid right in front of Piper's face where she couldn't avoid it even if she wanted to.

Piper pictures the moment she could hear Alex drowning in her cries while she stroked her hand in front of the wheelchair and yet there was no possible way to save her.

No life raft or mechanism to bring her back to safety.

And what's worse is that she couldn't even look Alex in the eyes to let her know that she truly does care and she truly loves her. All Piper did was try to shake reality away one second at a time.

With every click that the guards make during count, Piper slips further away from control. Further away from the person she's _trying_ to be.

"Are you ok Piper?", Red whispers. Piper just stares at her, too scared to say anything because she knows it will be the end of the relative composure her exterior is amplifying.

 _She just can't stop thinking about Alex._

It feels like she's being eaten alive and her flesh is fading before her very eyes. All that's left is a skeleton and soon she'll just be a pile of bones.

Through moments of being trapped with her thoughts, Piper has failed to realise that count is over.

Red has worryingly returned to her bed but maintains her eye contact with Piper. If there's one thing that Red has learnt being in prison it's that you shouldn't get into other people's business if they don't want you in it. And Piper has made it clear that her problems are too worrisome to be talked about. Red's gaze just follows Piper frantically leave the bunk, like a woman on a mission.

Piper's in a complete daze, rushing through corridors and swerving through inmates. She feels like she's in some horrific labyrinth and it has no end.

 _She's just stuck._

She sticks her head into the wrong bunk countless times over with angry inmates yelling profanities in Piper's direction. But it's all white noise to her. It's so out of focus.

After drawing near the end of the bunks, she looks into the one second from the left. Her eyes skim past and there looks to be no one there.

But it feels odd.

Piper's momentum is so incredibly fast that she almost missed what she's searching for, but she takes a step back and let's her eyes adjust. And that's when she sees it.

Alex has her eyes closed and she is shaking uncontrollably all by herself in an ominously lit room.

Piper hasn't stepped foot inside and yet she is still able to see the amount of stress Alex's body is under.

Piper panics.

Her breathing becomes heavier.

 _She can't go in._

She can't face it.

Piper paces up and down the entrance, three steps left, three steps right, again and again trying to work up the courage to go in.

Then she stops; looks down at her hands that are violently shaking, and then up at Alex. Down, and back up again.

Piper stupidly recalls the day Alex came back to prison. When _Piper_ got her put back into prison. Just another thing that Piper did for her own comfort. For the growth of her selfishness to continue.

 _ **At least we're in it together**_

The words echo in Piper's mind. They are a line of words that don't mean a thing now. Because Alex and Piper aren't in it together. Alex had to face everything alone because _Piper wasn't there._

 _She didn't care enough._

And now Piper has to deal with what she let happen.

Piper let's the pain eat at her while she stares at Alex restlessly jolting and quivering. It's like torture, but Piper firmly believes she deserves every ounce of it, no matter how much it's hurting her.

She has a clear view of Alex's face and all the pain that is cemented into every crevice, but Piper quickly abandons her position as she sees Alex's eyes open.

She wasn't ready for it.

With giant, heavy steps, Piper travels to the bathroom as quickly as she can, trying to avoid eye contact with anyone who passes her.

"Chapman, you didn't pick up those panties when you were supposed to?" Flaca let's the words fall gently out of her mouth, still walking on eggshells with Piper.

"I uh, no, not now, no, I can't." Piper forgets how to speak and she nervously drags her fingers across the side of her neck, feeling her pulse throbbing as she continues to aggressively walk through the corridor.

Her pulse is the only thing alive while everything else feels like it's dead.

At the entrance to the bathroom Piper hits the wall, not realising how close she was to it. It startles a group of inmates lining up to use the bathroom.

Piper pushes through the cue, using her forearm to lean on the stall doors, but all are occupied.

She can hear the muffled sound of insults hitting her back, but they just drop to the floor with no effect and she continues.

Frustration rises to new heights but Piper attempts to hold herself from breaking, trying not to do it in plain sight of the inmates but as every second progresses, she can feels herself unraveling one stitch at a time.

Piper escapes with milliseconds to spare. She just runs and runs until she finally reaches a place where she can disintegrate in peace; the chapel.

She grips onto the chair and slides down, exactly like the tears do down her cheek.

She's closing her eyes and gritting her teeth like she's on a plane and it's about to crash, but the only thing about to crash is Piper.

...

Piper looks disheveled.

Eyes sunken and black.

Hair having it's own wrestling match on her head.

Regardless of her appearance, Piper sits on a big, empty table with a tray of food in front of her.

She doesn't eat it.

She doesn't touch it.

She doesn't even look at it.

It just _sits_ there.

She's waiting for Alex to come in. Just waiting. It's like watching a soap opera and waiting for the cliffhanger, but instead of a soap opera, it's a nightmare, or at least Piper wishes it was a nightmare.

Her eyes are fixated on the entrance to the cafeteria. Waiting, and waiting, and waiting.

And then her heart stops.

And the world stops with it.

All that moves is Alex and the wheelchair she wishes she could get out of.

A guard hovers behind Alex, trying to help, but Piper can see Alex mumbling that she is fine.

Alex always says she's was fine, even when she isn't. That's the thing that scares Piper the most. Piper knows this is bad, but how much is Alex pushing down in order to seem ok?

Piper's eyes follow Alex down to an isolated table with the guard standing right beside her.

Piper just stares, watching the guard say things to Alex that she can't really make out. Alex is just sitting there. No food. Nothing, until the guard goes and gets her tray.

Alex has one arm in a tight sling and with the other she picks up the orange on the tray and attempts to peel it. Her hand fumbles and slips.

Peeling an orange shouldn't be this damn hard.

The guard sits beside Alex and takes the orange from her hands about to start the process of peeling until Alex snatches it back from her.

It's then that Alex loses herself completely "LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE."

Piper jumps. It feels like she's just been struck by lightning. Nothing in her body really works the way it should. It's all burnt up. Nothing feels normal. She just sits, fried into the stool she sits on.

In the seconds after Alex's outburst, the cafeteria goes silent and all eyes are on Alex, cooking her alive with the heat from their stares.

Alex looks like she's about to cry.

Piper can see the shiny glaze forming over Alex's eyes and it's damn contagious.

She feels like she's about to vomit.

Out of her seat in a heartbeat, Piper races out of the cafeteria. Her footsteps are the only sounds in a giant room full of hundreds of inmates.

It's like she's running through a painting.

 _Everything is still except for her._

...

Hunched over a toilet bowl, Piper throws up everything except her feelings.

Those she somehow can't get rid of.

They are stuck like glue.

Stuck like the tattoo Piper has permanently on her forearm.

She can't help thinking about how stupid the fucking tattoo is. And how every time she looks at it, all she can see is Stella.

But Piper is emptying her insides for _Alex_. Because Alex is the only person in her entire life that has mattered enough. And she hates that she lost sight of that. How could she have done that when Alex was the answer to so many questions?

She was the face of so many memories and the key to Piper's dreams.

The truth is, Piper fucking cares.

Piper cares so fucking much.

That's why it hurts her so bad.

That's why she is so terrified.

Because seeing the person you love in such a destroyed state is bad enough, but when you are the person who caused it, _it's unbearable._

...

"Get up."

"What?" It's that kind of half in-half out of reality voice. The kind of voice that's out of focus and wet, like Piper's eyes.

She's been crying in her sleep, with a puddle of tears building where her eye rests on the pillow.

"Get up Piper."

Piper opens her eyes in slow motion and hopes that this was all just a bad dream.

That Alex will be there by her side.

That her forearm would be bare.

That Stella was never in Litchfield.

That the panty business never existed.

But hoping does nothing to change the present.

Red stands over Piper, waiting for her to do what she has asked, but Piper doesn't move. She doesn't want to. She can't.

"Alex wants to see you. You have no excuses, the poor girl is broken. You _and_ I both know that. So get your ass up and start marching to her bunk or do I have to escort you so I make sure you actually go?"

The shakes return to every inch of Piper's body and her raging pulse echoes through the room. As much as she wants to, she can't run, because there's nowhere to run to.

"Piper, _get up now_."

Piper can't fight the fact that this is never going to go away. _Alex_ is never going to go away and Piper never wants her to. But even thinking about seeing her makes everything seize up in panic. She's so damn sorry for it all but she knows the second she opens her mouth, she will lose everything that's holding her together.

Alex is the one suffering and the one who needs the help and support, not Piper. Breaking down in front of her is not an option.

 _Piper should be there for Alex._

With a moan that sounds like demons whistling through her mouth, Piper elevates herself out of the bed and walks straight out of the bunk, not even looking at Red as she passes.

Somehow everywhere Piper walks makes her feel like she's about to drop dead and never wake up again.

She has this constant fear and panic and the lack of isolation that she has in her bunk unlocks new insecurities.

She's too exposed.

Too observant of her own actions.

Naively, she doesn't want anyone to see her break.

It shouldn't matter, but it does.

...

"Piper?" The familiar husky voice sends chills down Piper's spine.

Piper doesn't say anything at first. She's numb. Alex still sounds like the wounded bird she never thought she would be.

"Hey Alex" The cautiousness of Piper's tone lingers in the air longer than it should.

"Sit" Alex loosely points her finger to the bed opposite her, signalling Piper to occupy it.

One incredibly quiet step at a time is the only sense of noise in the bunk until Piper awkwardly adjusts herself to a more comfortable position on the bed.

Piper monitors Alex's body that lays horizontally on the bed. Every wound is still as prominent as ever, with vibrant purples and yellows that have the potential to be beautiful, but somehow just carry an evil presence that makes it hard for Piper to hold onto for too long. Piper's gaze traces every part of Alex that is exposed, but she notes never to go to close to her eyes.

Alex's eyes hold the pain.

The power.

The devastation

The loss of what they had.

"I'm so sorry Al" Piper's voice breaks. She hates how childish she sounds. She hates that she can't even get through a couple sentences without falling to pieces.

"What are you sorry for?" Alex re-adjusts herself, holding her breath as she moves and sending out a painful whimper the second she is still.

" _I'm sorry for me_." It doesn't come out like she wanted it to so she clears her throat and tries again with an intentional cough to try to get rid of the lump in her throat. " _Alex, I'm so sorry for me and all I did to you."_

"So I just forgive you now right? That's how this whole thing works? _I nearly fucking died_. You told me I was just paranoid." Alex scoffs, catching Piper by surprise. Piper didn't expect Alex's tone to change so rapidly. "And then after everything that happened to me, you weren't even here for me when I got back. I saw you run out of the fucking cafeteria. I thought out of all people in there, _you_ would have been the one to come over. Oh how I thought wrong. Thoughts aren't something that I welcome anymore because they have a way of fucking me over worse than you did." Alex has to look in the opposite direction. Piper infuriates how horrific the reality of it all is.

"I was going to, I just, I.."

"What, cat got your tongue? Or does Stella have it hidden away in that disgusting mouth of hers?"

"I'm so sorry for it all Alex."

"Are you really though? Or are you just sorry when the consequences of your actions come back to bite you in the ass?"

"You didn't deserve any of this."

"I didn't deserve _you_. I fucking love you and frankly, you couldn't give a shit about me."

"That's no true"

" _Yes it is_. Yes it f _ucking_ is."

"I love you" It comes out as a whisper just loud enough for Alex to hear.

"SHUTUP. DONT YOU FUCKING DARE SAY IT. DONT YOU _FUCKING_ DARE."

"You want me to sit here a lie to you?"

"You've done it before"

"That person wasn't who I am Alex, and you know that. I was consumed by the success of the business and the power trip I was on and it went to my head."

"Carol would be so proud."

"Do you want me to leave Alex?"

"I want you to take ownership"

"I'm taking fucking ownership. I know what I've done. Every wound inside and out of your body, I did that. It's all on me. I have to live with that. I'm done being a selfish asshole. I'm here for you. I'm done with leaving."

"But Piper, I'm done with you."

 _ **Author notes:**_

 _ **Sorry for the sour end to this chapter but Vauseman is nothing without a little adversity. As always their love is apparent, but will their toxicity be enough to break everything they ever had? Stay tuned for the next chapter!**_


	3. You'll be my resolution

"You look like shit Vause." Nicky's smirk brings a sense of warmth and sincerity into the room, brushing away the clinical feeling that has stuck like glue ever since Alex has been in it.

Seeing another familiar face makes Alex's pain a little more bearable. She can walk by herself now and she doesn't need a C.O holding her hand everywhere she goes, but things still aren't easy. Her movements aren't how they should be. She feels like the tin man; squeaking every time her joints move. But truthfully, Alex is more concerned about Nicky than she is about her own health. Nicky still sounds the same, but she's just.. different now. She's bruised and not in the physical sense. She looks too fragile to be Nicky. "You're not so hot yourself"

"Hey, hey, hey, this isn't about me kid. This is about you."

"And why does it have to be about me?" Alex nips back at Nicky's remark. She doesn't want it to be about her anymore. She's been the subject of curiosity and sympathy for far too long. That's never been the person she was. She has never needed any of that until her encounter in the greenhouse.

"Because you have some explaining to do. You weren't in SHU, you weren't here and you're pretty fucked up" Nicky says in a gentle voice, acknowledging how sensitive Alex is about the situation and not wanting to aggravate the circumstances.

"Remember our conversation about how we were just different sides on the same coin? Well my side has the constant threat of other people killing you if you fuck up. And I fucked up." Alex blames it all on herself. She knew what would happen the second Kubra's name left her mouth inside the courtroom, and yet she did it anyway. She deserved it. Every ounce of pain she endured was a consequence of her own actions.

"Someone big came after you?"

"Really fucking big" Alex watched Kubra kill people in front of her with no hesitations or empathy in sight. Kubra was big. And so was the pool of blood Alex laid in when she was struck in the greenhouse. Kubra had the mentality of a psychopath, but he always found a way to con people into thinking it was a necessary part of business. That _killing people_ was the business he was in.

"I was trying to fish around for information about you and I just came to the conclusion that you made some extraordinary El Chapo escape" It comes out too forceful, like Nicky is trying too hard to lighten the mood.

"First of all, I'm no El Chapo, and second of all, why the _hell_ were you fishing for information about me?"

"Are you ready for a sappy story?"

"Hit me"

"You're one of the very few people I care about kid." Nicky looks up, catching Alex's eyes and gives her a genuine smile. She can't even remember the last time she did that. Everything feels off, but somehow this moment feels like it was meant to happen.

"Wow, max really changed you Nichols." Alex chuckles, holding her chest as the pain starts to creep in uninvited. Everything's still aches, but at one point, she didn't even think she could take another breath. "No, but seriously, that's something I haven't heard in _such_ a long time. Thanks, really. I care about you too kid" Alex feels the melancholy practically dripping off her body. She can't pinpoint the exact source of the sadness or who exactly to blame, she just knows that it hurts. That being told she is cared about is a luxury she never receives. And now that it's here, she doesn't know how to act or what to say. It's the best kind of compliment and she wants nothing more than to hold onto it forever.

"Who the fuck have we become Vause?"

"Hard times have a way of changing people" In unison, Nicky and Alex both realise how horrible their road to this moment has been. Everything from before prison, to the greenhouse, to max. Nothing's ever let their lives be easy.

"Speaking of change, your girlfriend has turned into an absolute dick."

Alex notices how quick Nicky is to change the subjects of their conversation. It's like it's too much for her and too many memories are seeping through and making their way into places they should never go. But Alex answers anyway "Piper and I are done."

"As if that's the first time I've ever heard that before."

"You know, I never saw myself as someone who would be in and out of a relationship with someone. But Piper was so hard to stay away from. She's a different person to the one I love and it makes it so much easier now. I'm done for good."

"Why the fuck did you sell yourself so short with her?"

"We were the two most messed up people in the universe and somehow it was like we were made for each other. We met at the right time for the type of people we were" her own words echo in her mind. She goes back to the bar where they first met. Their first kiss. Their first I love you. It stings. But Alex has enough wounds she wants to close up.

"You had someone there for you, and that's more than I ever had. You know, prison is fucking horrible, but at least I have a family in here. That's why I'm scared of getting out, because it's just me. I've got no one" Nicky scares herself. She doesn't like thinking about the isolation too much .

"I know how it feels. Piper and my mom were the only two people I had, ever. And now they're both gone and the outside world terrifies me. I'm better at prison than I am at anything else except for the one thing that landed me in here."

"The worlds too big for us Vause" Nicky sighs, deep and dark while she sinks into joining of the wall and the floor.

...

Piper's started to notice the smell of greed that follows her everywhere. She can't shake it. It's a thick cloud that she finds herself gagging on when she breathes in just that little bit too much.

Piper doesn't cut extra panties out of unused fabric when she goes to work. It doesn't matter anymore. She always had to find something to take out of an environment that was fine just the way it was. And now she is faced with the aftermath that is full of debris that can never be recovered.

"Chapman" Piper jolts to life. She forgot that she even _was_ alive. Lately it's been feeling merely the opposite, excluding the moments of pure pain when she thinks about Alex a little too much. Piper _tries_ not to think about it. Just sleep, work, eat and repeat. But it always finds it's way. _It never stops._

"What do you want Gonzalez?"

"I have panties for you"

Piper rolls her eyes, not intentionally meaning to be rude, but she accomplishes it anyway "Not now. Please. Just leave me alone."

"Chapman, I _need_ the money. My mom's getting worse. I need it bad. Please, I'm begging you" Flaca's voice catches on the painful reality that awaits outside the prison walls.

"Do you want the business?" It's not the sincerity of Flaca's plea that makes Piper ask; it's her own selfishness. The business is getting in the way of other thoughts. The thoughts being about Alex and only Alex, in the most excruciating way possible.

Piper feels like a child again, and Alex is the toy that she can't have. It makes her want it more and more, but Piper isn't a child anymore. And Alex was never a toy. Alex isn't something you can just throw away when you get sick of playing with it. But somehow that's exactly what Piper did and now she wants it back.

"What?"

"Do you want the panty business? You don't have to pay for it. Just as long as all responsibilities go to you. I don't want my name mentioned in any of it anymore. I'm done."

"Are you serious?"

"Yes Flaca. Now can you give me an answer and leave me alone please?" Piper rushes her words, spitting them straight in Flaca's direction. The conversation is too loud for Piper as her thoughts are screaming over the top of everything, begging to be heard. It makes things unbearable.

"Yes, I'll take it. I can't believe it. So, there's no strings attached?"

"Gonzalez, as I said, as long as I'm completely out of it from now on, it's yours."

"Thank you Chapman, thank you so much."

...

Lunch in the cafeteria is always the most chaotic meal of the day. Each table seems to have an unspoken rivalry with the next and that makes for a cacophony of voices filling the vicinity.

Piper and Alex sit at the same table on opposite ends, with the company of Nicky, Sister Ingall's, Yoga Jones, Norma and Big Boo. The table is just as loud as the others, but the absence of volume coming from Alex and Piper makes everything seems a little less normal.

Piper keeps looking at Alex.

She likes that she can see improvement.

Alex has no guard by her side.

She is eating. Slowly, but she's eating.

The orange stays on the plate, never touched. Never attempted.

Piper just wants to reach over and hold her. She wants to kiss her wounds in hope that it will give her some form of relief. She doesn't want her to feel any pain anymore. She doesn't deserve it.

It's been so long that she almost forgets how it feels to touch her. All she can remember is how she never wanted to leave her the second she was wrapped in her arms. Her warmth always made her feel protected, like nothing could ever get in to hurt her. But the one thing that hurt her the most was the one thing that was already inside.

 _It was herself._

Piper keeps getting caught by Nicky every time she looks up at Alex. Every damn time. And every time it happens, Nicky's scowl becomes more and more vicious like she's Alex's guard dog and Piper's an intruder.

Alex never looks up. She's too focused and zoned in on eating that she fails to realise the shooting stares that are burning across the table. It's a war zone with no weapons.

Piper can feel her heart physically aching at the table as she holds her line of sight right onto Alex as she tucks her hair behind her ear. She always did it so gently and Piper never really could understand how a person could be so tough and so delicate at the same time.

"You gotta problem Chapman?" Piper gets caught off guard, not expecting any collaboration of words to be aimed at her, especially not from Nicky.

Piper just rapidly shakes her head from side to side in panic mode. She can't stand everyone looking at her, and now they are doing just that. And so is Alex.

Piper clips the edge of Alex's gaze, but Alex quickly abandons ship and goes back to eating. There is so much unspoken heaviness that almost suffocates everyone sitting at the table. Nothing has ever been resolved. It was just two people at opposites ends of a rope, pulling, until Alex finally let go. Now the rope lays on the floor with one side still in Piper's hands with no real purpose.

"I think you _do_ have a problem." Nicky's undivided attention is on Piper, melting her skin off her face with a glare she didn't know she had. She genuinely doesn't want Alex to have to fight a battle with her emotions when she is already fighting the battle to recovery.

Alex taps the side of Nicky's arm and mutters "Stop Nicky." Piper inquisitively watches the exchange of words and gets herself twisted in between the vines of Alex's facial features. She doesn't realise that she is staring, long and hard, like Alex was the only person to ever exist.

Without warning, Alex lifts herself up from her seat and let's out a whimper that she attempts to suppress with all her might, but it doesn't even hold it back one bit. Everyone sitting at the table is hesitant, unsure of whether they should help. They know Alex's embedded hatred for not being able to do things on her own, but when someone's pain is so evident, it's hard to just sit back and watch.

With everyones silence practically screaming, Alex manages to excuse herself and leave the cafeteria. Piper watches her all the way from the moment she turns her back to the table. Piper can tell that Alex shouldn't even be walking. She needs rest. But the last thing Alex wants to do right now is take advice from Piper.

"Can't you just leave her the fuck alone?" It hits Piper like lightning. She can feel the words racing through the entirety of her body, from her head to her toes.

"What is your deal?"

"She doesn't need you anymore. Stop staring at her. You have eyes like a fucking hawk."

"Why are you being like this Nicky?" Piper's eyes are wide and her words are gentle. This isn't a battle she wants to be in. Especially not right now.

"Because you won't even let the girl rest. She can't even get up out of her chair without moaning in pure agony and you're here ready to pounce, ready to fuck her over once again."

"I'm not going to do that." The words come out on instinct, without any thought associated with them.

"There is _nothing_ that will make me believe that."

"I don't want to hurt her." They are the most real words Piper's ever said in her entire life. Piper wants to keep Alex safe, regardless of what has happened in the past. She wants to make it up to her, but she doesn't know if that's something she can do because nothing can really make up all the hurt Piper has caused.

"It's a little too late for that sweetheart."

"I know" Piper's voice rises in a weak, high-pitched mess that turns into a fight to hold the tears back.

She can't stand the reality of fucking Alex over.

She can't stand the reality of doing it so easily.

And she can't stand the reality of not having the chance to do things over again.

Every one of Alex's wounds and painful moans are just another addition into ways Piper can torture herself. Her mind follows every detail until her body can't remember how to breathe anymore. And that's exactly what is happening now, but instead of being locked away under her blankets, she's in a room full of women who couldn't give a damn about how her selfish ways have come back to bite her.

This is Piper's mistake.

Piper's consequences.

And now she has to find the resolution.

But the only resolution is Alex.


	4. Sweet Like Cherry Wine

Piper doesn't do much or say much. But when she does, she asks questions.

It's not curiosity; it's an entrance into the pain she deserves. The entrance has no lock, so Piper can simply walk right in and endure all that the pain has to offer.

She asks everyone what they know about Alex's accident.

No one was there, no one heard. No one even knew where she was while they were in the SHU.

But everyone says that the last place Alex was seen was in the greenhouse.

So before work, Piper walks over, ready to analyse every bit of it to find any speck of how that day unfolded. She doesn't want to find anything, but she knows she deserves to. She tries to think like Alex. Tries to see it from her point of view. Nothing that Piper has done makes her deserving of her. And Piper knows that.

The entrance to the greenhouse lets out an ominous creak as Piper cautiously steps one foot in front of the other.

"Stay away." Alex is sitting on the floor, shovel in hand, eyes soaked with tears. She's in defensive mode. Her voice is worn and even huskier than usual, but instead of it coming across as erotic, it burns the air. It's painful to hear.

"Alex?" Piper is completely startled. She's looking around to see if anyone else is there, but it's just her and Alex.

"Don't hurt me." Alex says, terrified. She's genuinely afraid of Piper's presence.

"Hey, I'm not going to hurt you." Even more aware of her surroundings, Piper slowly creeps towards Alex with her hands up in the air "just put the shovel down Alex." Piper's chest is caving in, but she is trying to keep her composure for Alex. This is not what Piper expected to find.

"Kubra sent you didn't he?" The words are muffled by the sound of Alex's cries and Piper is only just able to make it out.

Piper scrunches her face, confused at the contents of the remark. "Kubra didn't send me Alex. Put the shovel down."

Alex throws the shovel with all the strength she has. It flops and lands right next to her with a loud thud that vibrates the floor. It took everything out of her, and the result was more than disappointing.

Alex shifts herself so that her back is against the wall. She cries silently with tears racing down her face and her mouth slightly open. She's completely out of control with her emotions. Her own body has chewed her up and spat her out, leaving her to suffer and absorb every ounce of pain being thrown at her.

Her joints still ache.

Bruises still hurt.

Eyes sting.

Chest shallow.

Paranoia peaking.

On instinct, Piper makes a slow, but direct path all the way next to Alex. She looks hesitant, but Piper takes a seat on the floor anyway.

"I'm not going to hurt you Alex" It comes out as a gentle whisper.

Piper can smell the distinct scent of hooch escaping Alex's mouth. The smell is strong and fresh, much like Alex's intoxication. "Come here Al"

Piper delicately laces Alex's hand with hers, using her other hand to gently guide Alex's head onto her shoulders.

She can feel Alex's turbulent crying pulse through her body. She doesn't know what to do to get Alex out of the hole she is in. It's deep and dark and it's the first time Piper's ever seen Alex in this kind of situation. It's like the blind leading the deaf. An utterly helpless situation.

Piper looks over to the floor, noticing the cherry wine coloured stain that lays on the timber slabs. She stares, trying to figure out why she never noticed it before. Then it clicks. It's Alex's blood. A whole faded pool of Alex's blood only a couple of feet away that looks like it's ready to strangle her to death. Piper gasps unwillingly and is sent through a whirlwind of panic. It grabs the wheel of her breathing and drives it off the edge of a cliff, plummeting down to meet her death.

The noises that Alex is making into Piper's shoulder are somehow loud enough to mask the sound of Piper's escalating breathing. She can't contain it. It's a forced eruption. A natural disaster. Only this doesn't feel natural at all.

Piper's starts drawing circles onto Alex's palm to try to distract her mind. Alex's hand sits loosely inside Piper's, shaking and tapping on the inside of Piper's fingers. Alex is her priority right now. She has to confront her own demons when the time is right. She keeps pushing the blood out of her mind, trying not to think about what went down that day. She can't think about it. Not now. She tries not to look at it, but it's so hard to look away.

Piper let's go of Alex's hand and shifts herself over so she is able to hold Alex in her arms. Alex's body can't even hold itself up, it just folds into Piper's and not long after, a small patch of Piper's shirt is soaked through with tears. Piper shuffles her head along side Alex's, making sure she is positioned so she cannot see the blood.

"Just breathe Alex. Nothing's going to hurt you. I promise. I'm here." Piper gets the words out without sounding too flustered, but each sound is a struggle to get out. Piper repeats the same words over and over for the next few minutes until Alex's breathing has returned to a relatively normal pace and all that's left is small jolting sniffles.

Alex untangles herself from Piper's arms and lifts herself up with a powerless moan.

"Hey, let me help you." Piper gets Alex's arms and tries to help but Alex shimmies herself out of them.

"I'm fine."

"You're not."

Alex looks up at Piper for the first time since Piper entered the greenhouse. Her eyes are glassy and frosted over with a red glaze. It's like they are an entry into the saddest book ever written, complete with a heartbreak you didn't know existed.

Piper thought Alex's composure would last more than it did. Holding onto Piper's eyes with hers, Alex let's everything crash and burn right onto the floor in front of her. It's the type of silent cry where everything is being pushed out at once, but there is no room for it all.

Alex leans forward, placing her head into Piper's lap. She viciously grinds her fingers through her hair and begins a rhythmic heaving when her tears don't allow her to breathe like she should.

Piper never tells Alex to stop crying. It's beyond that. It's not that simple. Piper wants nothing more than for her touch to be the cure. To be the drug. To be the rehabilitation that Alex needs. But the circumstances are all jumbled up. This isn't how it should be. Stroking the skin of a woman who hates your guts while she is emotionally distraught doesn't sound like a resolution. But Piper does what she thinks is best and that is to stay close enough to Alex that her demons can't fight her anymore. Alex is too weak to fight, and it breaks Piper into pieces.

"Make it stop Piper" Alex mumbles into Piper's leg. The words beat on her chest until she can't breathe anymore. She wants it all to stop.

Piper's trembling. She starts stroking Alex's hair at a more rapid pace in an effort to ease her pain, but in reality, she doesn't know what to do to help her. Her mouth stays partially open, twitching as words are about to drop out of her mouth, but are quickly reeled back in. The words aren't right. This whole situation isn't right. Alex isn't right. But Piper wants to make it right.

"Look at me Alex" Piper guides Alex's face up to hers, with both her hands on either side of Alex's face, holding her head up. She wipes the tears that still race down with her fingertips, gently pushing them aside and leaving her fingers there, in a method to block any more that decide to escape. "Nobody can hurt you now. You're safe with me. You're safe Al."

They stay still, locked into each others eyes for a few long moments. Alex doesn't believe she is safe from the words that Piper voiced. She believes it from what Piper's eyes are saying. There's something familiar about them. Something she's seen before. Something that's more comforting than any collaboration of words could ever be.

Without another word, Piper wraps her arms gently around Alex, pulling her in as close as she possibly can. Alex doesn't fight it. Instead, she does the same.

They both cherish the distinct scent that the other possesses. The way their exposed skin still carries the same softness that it always has. The way that no matter what terms they are on, everything still feels so right together.

"Thank you Piper" Alex whispers in Piper's ear, still wrapped in her arms.

"You don't need to thank me for anything." Several moments pass in which not a movement is made. The effects of breaking apart seem permanent and hauntingly sinister. But the muffled voices of inmates approaching the greenhouse rips them apart without any control. They sound further away than what they actually are and as Lolly opens the entrance to the greenhouse, she immediately trickles her eyes down to Alex and Piper who sit side by side on the floor.

"Hey, what are you guys doing here?" Surprised, Lolly blocks the rest of the entrance with her hands pushed against either side, waiting for Alex and Pipers reply.

"We were just leaving Lolly" Piper whispers with just enough volume for Lolly to hear.

"Inmates, you are both out of bounds" moving Lolly's arm out of the way, an unfamiliar guard exposes himself.

Alex stays still. She just keeps staring, like she's waiting for the guard to make a move. In a moment like this, she has no poker face. Her expression screams pure fear and it feels like it's punching Piper right in the face. Piper keeps asking herself why Alex is so terrified of the guard. It doesn't make sense.

"Let's go Alex." Piper pushes herself off the floor and onto her feet with a hand out, indicating Alex to take a hold of it. But she doesn't. Her eyes don't move at all.

"Inmate, do we have a problem here? Get your ass up and out of here before I _make_ you." The walls of the greenhouse vibrate with the volume of the guards voice. It's the kind of tone that makes you feel small and inferior.

"Alex" Piper retracts her hand and shifts it over to Alex back.

The guard starts walking closer with a mission to do this a quickly as possibly, not as kindly as possible.

"Get the fuck away from me." Alex scrambles, searching for the shovel she threw away earlier. It's out of reach, behind Piper and there's nothing to protect herself with.

"What did you just say to me inmate."

"She's getting up, just give her a second." Piper tries to keep her composure while she can feel her chest shrinking and her panic rising. "C'mon Alex"

"I said get the fuck away from me before I hit you in the fucking face." Alex looks straight through Piper to the guard that looks taken back by her remark. The other inmates stand and watch in a huddle from the door like it's a soap opera and it's on the verge of a cliffhanger.

The guard marches over and yanks Alex's arms to pull her up with no mercy. "Get the fuck off me." Alex throws her hands in all directions trying to shimmy out of his tight grip.

Piper tries to interfere, attempting to push herself between the guard and Alex but with the amount of force both are utilising, it's no use.

"Put her down. NOW" A familiar figure approaches from behind the guard and separates them grabbing both of their shirts. It's Mr Caputo. "Are you fucking serious? Are you deaf? Can't you remember what I told you? This is _exactly_ what I told you not to do."

"This is her?" Out of breath and embarrassed, the guard takes a step away from Alex as she gets cradled in Piper's arms.

"The one that's _still_ physically hurt. YES. That's her you moron."

"I'm sorry Mr Caputo."

"Yeah you should be. Go and get Rogers. Tell her to come here and don't you dare come back. I've already got a mess unfolding outside and your _stupidity_ just added to it."

The inmates that were watching have now trickled away outside the view of Mr Caputo, leaving Alex to fall apart again. It's the same panic induced attack that she endured before. This place, the guard, the blood; it all rips open her wounds and rubs salt deep inside.

Piper holds her, scared that if she lets go Alex will tumble down the rabbit hole and never come back.

Mr Caputo just stands awkwardly in front of them, eyes on the door awaiting Rogers arrival. He has never been equipped to deal with this sort of trauma, and in this moment, it shows.

The second Rogers makes her way into the greenhouse, she knows why she is there without any exchange in words. Hesitantly, she walks over and sits next to Alex, still giving her enough space to breathe.

"Let's go Chapman." Mr Caputo curls his fingers towards himself, signalling Piper to follow him out of the greenhouse.

Piper doesn't want to leave Alex. Not like this. Berdie Rogers doesn't have a clue about the type of person Alex is. Rogers will try to tap into Alex's fears and reasons for this outburst in an effort to resolve it, but Alex won't give her what she wants. Alex has never been the type of person to sit down with someone she doesn't know and express her feelings. And today is no exception.

"She'll be ok" Rogers says sincerely, like she read Piper's mind. She genuinely sounds like she wants Alex to be ok as much as Piper does.

Piper slowly unravels herself from Alex, stroking her arm before she whispers in her ear "you'll be alright Alex." Piper completely disregards Rogers' words, despite how sincere they are. Her words don't matter. She wants Alex to hear it from her because she knows for a fact that she cares more for her than a prison counsellor. Alex looks up at her, still a little delusional as she is running from the burst of adrenaline and panic that was forced upon her without her control. She nods her head, barely making it visible. It's all she can really do to let Piper know that she can leave.

Flustered and frustrated, Piper walks out of the greenhouse to see a herd of commotion. She stops walking and observes the situation. It's loud and messy, to a point where Piper can't even make out who's arguing. But whoever it is, they are not holding back any bit of violence or anger.

"It was you wasn't it?" Piper jumps with the unexpected entrance of Red's voice close to her ear.

"What was me?"

"You were the rat."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Flaca got caught. Panties and all. About to head down to max as we speak."

Piper's mouth goes wide. She doesn't really believe it. The business isn't something she wants to associate herself with anymore but having it crumble that quickly after all the hard work in establishing it burns her skin. She can't imagine how Flaca must be feeling right now. "She got caught? How the.."

"You know, she genuinely needed the money. She wasn't out to get you. You're soulless Piper. You know, I've met a lot of horrible people in my life, and you're up there with the worst of them." Red scoffs, looking away from Piper. She races back to the memories of Piper's first day in prison where she was scared for her life because she insulted Red. And now she has no problem putting knives in the backs of people who didn't deserve it.

"Red, I promise you I didn't do this. I had no idea that this was even going on."

"So it was just this crazy coincidence that you weren't here when she got caught huh?"

"I was in the greenhouse Red. Why would I do this to Flaca?"

"You did it to Alex and to Stella and you really had no problem with it. I can't see any difference now."

"Red, I..."

"Chapman?" A detective looking male with a notebook and pen twiddling between his fingers approaches Piper and Red. He smells like old tobacco and sticks out like a sore thumb in the mosh pit of guards and inmates.

"Yeah I'm Chapman."

"I'm afraid you're going to have to come with me. I have some questions I need you to answer."

 _ **Author notes:**_

 _ **So what does this mean for Vauseman? Is it going to be a quick recovery back into the relationship they once had, or was this strictly an effort to comfort and nothing more?**_

 _ **The panty business is now being washed down the drain but who is the one to blame? How will Piper take the questions and will she let the truth be told?**_

 _ **Stay tuned for the next chapter! Enjoy**_


	5. Stupidity

It's not easy for Alex to gulp down the lump in her throat down, but she does it. She has to. It's easier now that hours of tears made their escape down her cheeks and most of her aggression was emptied out on the guard, but it still feels like Alex is trying to save the whole world while trying to save herself.

She still can't believe that she let herself break like that. It infuriates her that she couldn't control her fears. She lost everything in front of so many people. People she barely knows. She's stronger than that.

Well, at least she wants to be.

She doesn't want to be here next to Rogers, sitting right beside a faded pool of her own blood that haunts her even when she can't see it. She doesn't want to talk. She doesn't want to listen. And she doesn't want to admit it, but she just wants Piper. After everything, Piper still makes her feel like she matters to someone. Like someone is actually willing to take the time to care because they want to, and in the way that Alex needs. For too long it's just been Alex and her paranoia, which did not hesitate to eat her alive until she was only a walking carcass in the chaos of zombies that occupy the prison. It's the walking dead. And everybody seems to know how deserving they are of that title.

"This is the location that will trigger the most pain Alex. Why did you come here?" Rogers never seems to stray from the gentle tone in her voice. It's delicately covered with care and a desire to help.

"Why is that any of your business?" Alex bites back fast. Too fast for such a fresh conversation. But Rogers isn't startled by Alex's unwillingness to expose herself, seeing as every counselling session with Alex is a mirror of this very moment. Alex is always under lock and key. She has never progressed in what she is willing to share and that's the one thing that Rogers can't get a grip of. She has undergone so many different attempts to make Alex feel more comfortable to speak out, but they have been tried and failed. Rogers has come to the conclusion that Alex will only share if she wants to share. And she doesn't.

"I'm trying to get to the root of the problem Alex. I'm trying to help."

Alex rolls her eyes, remembering how Rogers just wants to be the 'good guy' in the prison. What a load of bullshit. "I never asked for your help." Alex keeps a stone cold look plastered on her face. She hates this. It feels like she's being chased by Rogers around and around in a circle. Nothing ever happens. Nothing ever will. Because there is nowhere to go other than the same route they are already on.

"I don't understand how you can be hurting so much and yet you don't want any help Alex. I'm here for you. I _want_ to help you, but I can only do that if you let me."

Alex can sense Rogers trying to tap into her feelings like never before. She's trying to turn it up a notch, but Alex won't have it. In fact, she resents Rogers even more for putting the pressure on her. Alex is weak. She's hurting. And the last thing she needs is for a counsellor to be trying to dig information straight out of her mind and lay it all out in the cold air to freeze until she has to pick the pieces back up again.

Without acknowledging Rogers' statement, Alex pushes herself up off the floor, making sure she doesn't let out any form of noise that will let Rogers knows she is still in pain. She turns her back to her with no apologies, and proceeds to walk out of the greenhouse, but she is interrupted by Rogers voice.

"You can't keep running from your problems Alex. Eventually they are going to catch up with you."

"No kidding." As much as Alex acts like she's just brushing off everything that Rogers is saying, every bit of it makes sense. Alex lives every word of it. She's just so protected. She never lets anyone in because of how scarred she is. The scars are never going to heal, especially when new ones are introduced right on top of the old ones. It's layer after layer that never seems to suppress. Layers of grief and anger and disappointment and loss. It's all still there. And here's Rogers trying to creep her way in to a place inside Alex that is under the heaviest security possible. She acts like it's so simple for Alex to just unlock the doors and get rid of the guards. But it's not. It's not easy. In fact, Alex feels sick just thinking about it.

...

Piper can't really believe how stupid she is. God, how could she be so stupid? So damn naive. She left her. How could she have just left her there with that stupid councillor? She doesn't know her like Piper does. She never will. Piper can't swallow how fragile Alex was. How the guard ticked her off so quickly. Alex even asked Piper to make it stop, when they both knew damn right that Piper was the one who put them both through this pain in the first place. And Flaca. My God, Flaca. The guilt is creeping inside the walls of Piper's heart, ready to attack until she can't take it anymore. Piper put Flaca in max. The second she gave her the business, she gave her the risk and it ruined her life. Piper is trying to do everything in her power to fix her past ways, and yet she still has a way of messing other people's lives up until they are ultimately destroyed; until no ounce of it can be recovered. She's trying, she really is. But the snowball of chaos is too big to stop rolling now.

"Piper Chapman, I'm Detective Percy and I'm here today to ask you a few questions concerning some activity that has been undergone in Litchfield. I want you to answer all questions honestly and I'll have to let you know that this interview is being monitored." It's robotic. That kind of monotone voice that sounds like you're reading straight from a textbook. No emotion, no care. Even though he is speaking to someone who is visibly distraught.

"Were you aware that there was an illegal crime ring formulated in this prison?" Detective Percy stares at the blank piece of paper on the table, only to look up when he doesn't receive an answer. Piper doesn't say a thing. She doesn't even look up. She doesn't even hear what was asked. It's just tears. _So many tears_. She doesn't hold them back. They just run, and run, and run like they are in a marathon. But somehow it feels like this marathon has no end.

"Piper, I'm going to need you to answer these questions for me." Detective Percy makes sure he keeps his eyes locked onto Piper now, hoping she will be more inclined to answer. But Piper doesn't even budge. Piper says nothing. She's not even here. Her mind is somewhere far away, drowning in the waves of her own emotional turmoil.

"Have you seen anything suspicious happening? Anything out of the ordinary?" The air is filled with heavy silence that Piper doesn't break except for her whimpers that caress the air around her.

Detective Percy is less than satisfied with the progression of the interview. He has no ounce of compassion for Piper's situation. He sits frustrated, taking deep breaths, just waiting for Piper to say something. To say anything. But instead he just watches the tears fall off her cheeks. With every tear that falls, it's one step further from getting what he wants.

To Detective Percy, his time is much more valuable than Piper's and being in this position is simply wasting time that he can never get back, so he opts for a solution. Mr Caputo. He leaves Piper alone with no word to where he is going, only leaving an empty chair and his lingering scent as he passes. Piper doesn't pay attention to the fact that she is by herself. It doesn't even cross her mind, but she is startled by the loud voice that occupies the room, coming from the doorway and following all the way to the seat in front of her.

"Piper, I know today hasn't been easy for you, but we need you to cooperate. Alex is being taken care of. I promise." Mr Caputo can't seem to mask his high level of stress. A trickle of sweat makes it's way down his forehead and he can't sit still, twisting and turning on the spot like he needs to go to the bathroom. With Piper's head down, he doesn't realise how bad of shape she is in. How much she is hurting. So he just waits. And eventually, she pulls her head up in an attempt to get any ounce of air into her lungs.

Stunned, Mr Caputo follows every ounce of Piper's suffering. From her bloodshot eyes, to her tear stained cheeks. It's a horrible artwork.

"Ok. You're obviously not in the space of mind to be talking to me right now, I get it. But I'm trying to do my job and get down to the bottom of this." Detective Percy stands behind Mr Caputo, practically yelling at Piper without concern or consideration. It's his occupation over feelings and any person like that will show no remorse to any situation.

Piper just keeps crying. Everything is so uncertain. So abstract. It feels like she's driving with her eyes closed. She can't see the other cars or pedestrians, and it's only a matter of time before she hits something and shatters her entire life with it. She has no control; no sense of herself. It's that free falling she never thought she had the balls to do, but now she has no choice and she's about to hit the ground.

Mr Caputo saw Piper's face when she had to leave Alex. It was this childlike fear that you hold onto, long after the moment's over. The type of fear that makes your body seize up, and your heart beat a million miles a minute every time you think about it. Mr Caputo can't let this kind of interrogation continue with someone who can't even bring herself to speak. It's inhuman.

"You're free to go Chapman." Mr Caputo gets up and opens the door, waiting for Piper to leave. Detective Percy looks at Mr Caputo in disbelief, like he should have waited longer and tried harder to get the answers he was looking for. It takes Piper a while to get up and exit the office, but she finally does it. She finally gets the hint. She doesn't look at anyone. Just walks. Keep walking and walking, even though she can't really see where she's going. Everything is hazy. She just wants to hide under her covers; to make the world go away. Nothing's how it should be. Everything makes Piper feel like she's suffocating simply on the air that surrounds her. It's thick and brutal. It's like mud filling her airways.

…...

Alex waits for Piper in her bunk.

It wasn't a matter of thinking, or questioning her actions. It was just about doing it because she needs to. Doing it because it makes her feel better. But the second Piper walks into the bunk, Alex doesn't feel better at all.

Piper looks disheveled. A melancholic concoction of features that don't seem to belong. She's taken back by Alex's presence on her bed; first grateful, then curious, then disheartened as she comes to the conclusion that she's here to beat her up about leaving her in the greenhouse with Rogers.

"Pipes, I.." Piper buts in; scrambling to explain herself before Alex's words hit her like a truck. "I, I'm sorry Alex. I didn't want to, but I just did and I don't know what I was thinking and, and I don't know. I don't even know anymore. Everything is just happening, it's happening all at once and I don't want to fuck up again. I can't. Everything's just..it's messed up." Piper can barely speak over the salty tears that start escaping the harder she tries to stop them. She tries really damn hard. But it's no use.

"Piper, hey. Just stop and breathe for a second ok? Just breathe." Piper's breakdown is unanticipated in the eyes of Alex. She's startled at how quickly the tables turn. Piper needs her now, and she'll be there for her just as she was for Alex.

"I can't." It's barely audible. Barely detected. But it's just loud enough for Alex to catch.

Without hesitation, Alex pushes herself up off the bed, making sure to take just enough time to take care of her aching bits. She walks over to Piper and places her arms around her, squeezing her just tight enough to make Piper feels like she's somewhere other than here. Just for a second. Until Piper pushes her off, drawing her back into reality. "No Alex. This isn't how it's supposed to be."

"Why, am I not allowed to comfort you?"

"I'm, I'm meant to be comforting _you_. I'm so sorry. Why can't I ever just.." Piper stops the words leave her mouth just in time.

"Why can't you ever just what?" Alex instinctively knows it's important. She can tell by the way Piper forced the words back into her mouth. It isn't something that's going to be said easily, but Alex knows what words that are never said do to the inside of ones mind.

It's a long, hypnotising look into each others eyes. Piper's not lying to Alex anymore. Every single card, the good and the bad, are all on the table. They've been here before, but Piper has never felt this scared before. "Why can't I ever just treat you how you deserve to be treated?" It's her own words that end up hitting Piper like a truck. It hurts so much, because she knows how undeserving she is of everything that Alex has ever given to her.

She's the weeds in the garden.

The thorns on the roses.

The needle in the haystack.

And the one drowning in her own tears.

"I can't answer that Piper."

"You, you shouldn't have to. I'm so sorry."

"When are we going to be done with apologies? Is there going to be a time where neither one of us fucks up and we can just be normal?" It's more than just the words that fill the space. It's the memories. The most painful collection of memories that haven't been forgotten. The pain is still as fresh as the day the memories were created and without even speaking, Alex and Piper both travel through them together, exactly like they once did.

"It's all my fault."

" _Some_ of it is Piper. Have you forgotten all the stupid shit I've done too? Standing here and beating yourself up about it all is doing nothing for you. We're not going anywhere, so let's figure ourselves out so we can be decent human beings."

"I think I'm going to max." It comes out too fast, as if Piper was about to burst if she didn't let it out. But the truth is, it's the elephant in the room. It's something that cannot be avoided.

"What? What do you mean you think you're going to max?" The space in Alex's chest suddenly feels a lot smaller, like it's compensating for the rate that her heart is beating at.

"The panty business. I gave it all to Flaca and she got caught. It's only a matter of time before I'm chucked in there with her. I didn't want it to be like this. Everybody thinks I did it."

" _Fuck_ Piper." It comes out thin; ready to snap in half with any form of touch. Alex can't seem to wrap her head around it and how real the possibility of Piper leaving truly is. She knew Piper was in too deep, but somehow getting caught never crossed Alex's mind. She thought Piper was too smart; and she was, but Flaca wasn't.

Piper clears her throat, visibly trying to snap Alex out of thinking about the situation. The last thing Piper wants Alex to do is worry about her. She broke the law and now she has to deal with the consequences. No one should be feeling sorry for her, especially the one person that she hurt the most. "I'm sorry. This isn't meant to be about me. How are you feeling Alex?"

"Did someone tell you that they think you did it?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Yes it does. It matters"

"Only you matter."


	6. A New Destination

Alex always tried to trick herself into thinking that it will get better tomorrow. Everyday, she pushed the same phrase into her mind, repeating it until she believed it. Even hoping that if she heard it enough, it would come true.

' _Things will be better_ _tomorrow_ _Alex, things will get better.'_

And it finally _did_ get a little better.

But this is not better.

Oh god, this is not better.

This is _so_ much worse.

This feels like being burnt alive.

The searing fire, melting the skin off her body, with nothing but an inferno covering her vision.

But behind that, Alex can see more.

She can see Piper in handcuffs, being escorted to the exit.

Alex just watches, feeling like she's being electrocuted. Every nerve in her body jolting under her skin as she tries to keep her composure.

Piper doesn't fight the guards. She just let's them drag her wherever they want her, like a worthless waste of space. They don't bother playing nice. They yank her hard; too hard, that it almost looks as if Piper is going to lose a limb.

No one even cares enough to say goodbye. They just watch, with smirks and gratefulness. Everything Piper did is still fresh in everyone's minds and Piper's _still_ facing the consequences.

The girls from Spanish Harlem yell profanities and spit in Piper's direction, while drawing crucifixes from their forehead to their torso. This is exactly what they wanted, and it's exactly what they got.

Alex is too far back to be seen. She can't move. Somehow all her physical capabilities have been stripped away because she knows the exact reason for Piper's departure; down the hill being her arrival.

Piper looks like a flashlight in the dark. And it's blinding Alex.

She wants to say goodbye, but she can't move.

She can't think.

She can't even see properly.

Blind.

It's just this painful adrenaline rush, that's only cause is losing someone you love.

"How you doing Vause?" Nicky exposes herself from the crowd of inmates, putting her hand softly on Alex's back. It doesn't take a lot to realise the impact Piper's absence is already making on Alex.

Alex just keeps staring in the direction of where Piper left. Piper's gone now, but Alex can't shift her gaze. Like if she stares longer, Piper will reappear. It won't be real. Because it shouldn't have to be.

"Ding Dong, the witch is finally out of Litchfield." Gloria screams at the top of her lungs, making Alex's fury radiate off her skin. Most of the other girls cheer and laugh. It's torture. Alex's mouth opens with a tsunami of words about to explode out of her mouth, but Nicky catches them just before it all washes out, drowning everyone in sight. "Hey, let's get out of here. You shouldn't be here." Nicky takes Alex's wrist and tugs on it delicately, making Alex follow her direction.

Alex can't comprehend where she's going. She just follows. All she can see is the flashing image of Piper being dragged away beaming in front of her, begging to be seen. And that's exactly what occurs.

Before long, Alex curdles up on her bunk bed, feeling more isolated than she ever has before.

"Piper's facing the consequences of _her_ actions. You need to realise that Alex. Stop torturing yourself." Nicky can read Alex like a book. Her body language and the fear upon her face are more than enough to make Nicky stay.

"I fucking told her."

"And she didn't listen. There's nothing more you can do."

"I'm so fucking stupid."

"Vause. Why are you punishing yourself for her actions? It wasn't you."

 _It wasn't you_.

 _It wasn't you._

 _It wasn't you_.

The words echo like a dark tunnel that looks to have no end. Piper said the same exact words once upon a time in the chapel, the day Alex was put back into prison. And Piper was damn right. It wasn't Alex. It was her. It was Piper. And Alex tortured herself and made herself feel the pain she thought she deserved. But it was never her. Alex was just the character in Piper's book. She was going through the motions, thinking that she had control, but really, her future was already written for her. Alex knows that.

And that's why she hates how Piper's absence makes her feel.

She can't stop the caving in of her chest.

The loss of breath.

The weakness.

She can't stop loving Piper.

Alex is stuck watching a seesaw go up and down- on one end, she loves being in love with Piper and the other; she hates it.

Loving Piper gives Alex a purpose to live and a purpose to self destruct.

A reason to love and a reason to hate.

An ease to believe in something beautiful and believe in something evil.

Alex's relationship with Piper is a life full of juxtaposing silhouettes that lurk in every corner, ready to shift and morph into opposing teams without any warning.

It's a game Alex signed up for. She signed up for it the second she walked up to the mediocre bar where Piper Chapman stood. But Piper was far from mediocre. But she was never meant to mean this much.

Piper was meant to be a mule. Sure, somebody Alex could sleep with here and then, but she was meant to be _just_ a mule. Gain her trust. Teach her the ropes. _Get the job done without getting caught._ That's it. Feelings weren't meant to enter the picture. _Ever_. Especially feelings that Alex didn't know she had. She never dug deep enough and neither did anyone else. But Piper sent her world spinning. Tumbling down like she was falling down a hill and couldn't stop. Most of the time, Piper was falling right next to Alex, but sometimes Alex would look over in the hysteria of it all and Piper wouldn't be there. Piper stopped herself from falling, and just watched Alex continue to get beaten and bruised by the ground beneath her.

She just watched.

And Alex never stopped.

...

Empty, upon empty hours pass ever so slowly and Alex becomes obsessed with the thought of going into Piper's bunk. She thinks maybe it will make her feel a little better.

Alex can't remember Piper's scent being this distinct. It feels like something Alex is missing. That every inhale will bring her closer to the person she needs to be. To give her strength. To stop her feeling this empty. But it's all just an illusion. The scent loses it's meaning the second it enters Alex's body. Alex thinks that maybe that's what happened to Piper's love for her. That the second Alex knew about it, Piper bailed.

Alex is meant to be done with Piper. But the thoughts of her scream like angry ghosts, possessing and filling Alex's mind with memories. Things they did together. Things that she said. Her intelligence. Her beauty. Her wisdom. Her structure. The screams are so loud that Alex can't hear anything else and is left with a war zone in her mind, trying to kill all the ghosts with anything she can lay her hands on.

She _always_ loses.

 _Always_.

Red stands at the entrance to her bunk, previewing the situation before she enters. It's muddy. So very muddy. Alex is unavoidably in her own world of painful realisations that she can't escape, and Red knows she can't leave Alex to suffocate.

"Alex. Sweetheart. She's not gone forever." It's said gently and carefully, but somehow Alex feels like she's being mocked. Like Red is making fun of her for caring this much.

"Neither was Nicky, but no one said anything to you." Alex bites back hard enough to draw blood.

"I'm not the one you should be picking fights with."

" _Why_? Are you going to _starve me out_?" The sarcasm explodes through the room, hitting Red in the face, but not shifting her expression.

"No. It's because you shouldn't be picking fights with people who care about you."

"You don't care about me Red. I know what it feels like for people to care about me, and you don't."

"You're perception of caring is all skewed darling. People who care for you aren't meant to hurt you. And you know exactly who hurt you the most."

A long silence fills the room. It's a verbal standoff with neither Red or Alex wanting to break.

Alex races through all of the memories of people who entered her life. Each and every one of them hurt her. They bashed her face into the dirt and trod all over her, making sure she could never get up.

 _The girls in schoo_ l.

 _Kubra_.

 _Her Dad._

 _Piper_.

They all hurt her. Everyone. Everyone except one.

" _My Mom never hurt me_."

"Your Mom loved you Alex." Alex shifts her eyes in the distance, not really focusing on anything in particular, but letting the words sink in. Thinking about how much she disappointed her mom. She's never been the daughter she needed to be. She was gone most of the time, doing things she wasn't supposed to be doing, all while her Mom though she was just exploring the world. 'The world traveler', was Alex's more than brief description at her Mom's funeral. The reality is much darker, with creatures no one ever wants to find, lurking in places that are hardly visible. But it was Alex's reality. A reality that she was good at. Until she got caught that is.

If there's one thing about her Mom that stuck with her, it's that her Mom always told her never to care about what others thought. It was about _Alex's_ thoughts. About what _she_ wanted to do and what _she_ wanted to think. Not what others had managed to squirm into Alex's mind. They managed to plant seeds of self doubt that transformed into weeds that grew rapidly, leaving no time for them to be pulled out. And it took Diane's persistent words to guide Alex into the clear.

Alex knows how idiotic Piper was to get herself thrown into max, but Alex isn't going to shy away from the fact that she's going to miss her. That she wants her here. Diane would be proud of that. To think that the person who you care about dearly has hurt you, burns like a rocket into the sun. But it's Alex who cares. No one is forcing her to feel that way. The people who think that they are close enough to Alex, unapologetically harvest ideas in her mind, but thoughts of her Mom mow everything down. Diane was the best influence Alex ever had and she lost her before she could even tell her.

Alex can't keep holding onto words until it's too late anymore. After the time has past. After the people that she thought would never leave, left. But Alex doesn't know when she's going to get the chance to tell Piper how she feels.

All Alex knows is that the world is too big without her.

That scars heal quicker when she's around.

That she makes Alex feel less empty.

She's her remedy.

And without a remedy, Alex is deteriorating.

 _ **Author notes:**_

 _ **This chapter was LONG overdue. Life gets in the way sometimes but hopefully i'll be back to posting regularly. As always, I appreciate all the feedback I receive, and i'm grateful that you're on this journey with me. Until next chapter x**_


	7. Sinking, I'm Sinking

The week has felt like a decade. Like time couldn't possibly pass any slower. Every step takes an hour, and every word takes a year to leave the lips. Everything's just harder to do. Cold showers aren't as bad as they used to be, but getting up for them is. The ice cold water hits the body, violently racing down every curve, but not even a finch is executed. Not a shiver. Not a goosebump. Just numb. But for the last week, that's all that Alex has felt.

She can hear the muffled sound of people talking at the basins that line the bathroom, but that's all that it is. Just background noise. A continuous haziness that follows Alex wherever she goes like an ominous cloud that has left everybody to freely look up at a clear sky, except Alex. For her, the sky is a concoction of greys, pushing each other away in fear of being too close.

But there's one name that gets her out of that numbness.

One name that forces Alex to perk her ears up and listen instead of being trapped in the labyrinth that is the cloud around her.

One damn name that has the power to change Alex in an instant.

"How about _Piper_?" Alex has to think about if the words are said in her mind, or if it's reality. Piper. Piper. Piper. The name with an infinite amount of strings attached to it. The one that grabs the numbness straight out of Alex and throws it into the sun. Did someone mention Piper or is she just losing it even more than she thought she was? She second guesses it. Forward and backward in her mind until she wraps her naked body in a towel and steps out of the fungus filled shower to see a gang of blurry Latinas staring back at her. Alex's hand rummages through the top of the basin until her hand knocks her black framed spectacles. The second she brings them up to sit on her nose, the Latinas look a lot more ominous than what was originally thought.

"Piper was a joke." Maritza makes sure to retain eye contact with Alex for the duration of her comment. It's a direct dig that she knows will sink underneath Alex's skin. But that's the whole point. Alex has no one to protect her. It's just her and this vulnerability that she still hasn't become accustomed to. She's never acted like the vulnerable one, even in times of direct fear. But ever since her attack with Aiden, she can't help it. She's scared. Paranoid of the things that follow her. Constantly looking behind her back.

"I hope that white bitch _rots_ in max" Gloria says with a deathly undertone. The words hit Alex right in the face. Aggression searing out of her skin.

" _Watch your fucking mouth_." The words escape Alex's mouth before she is even able to think. Before she is able to retrieve the breath that she had knocked out of her. She has no control over the need to protect. The need to speak up, even though Piper isn't around. It's a mixture of the history, the feeling, the time and effort put it to Piper as a human being. Or maybe it's just the fact that Alex knows exactly what it's like to have people not like you.

"Who the fuck was talking to you four eyes?" Gloria makes her way over to Alex in an attempt to intimidate. Head held high, but Alex's height still has Alex looking down on her.

"Four eyes? Is that the best you've got." Alex lets out a sarcastic laugh that comes from deep within the place she thought she could no longer reach. A place of strength, triggered by anger.

"You're just pissed that your psychotic girlfriend got what she deserved. I'm waiting for the day that news comes back that she's dead. They're going to kill her in there, you know that right. That big fucking mouth's finally going to stay shut and there's _nothing_ you can do about it." It's the feeling of Gloria's cold breath on her skin and the genuine belief of Gloria's words that send Alex over the edge. Completely and utterly thrown off the edge, plummeting to the ground just waiting for the moment she hits the pavement.

Alex doesn't say another word, but she says everything she needs to when she sends a violent shove in Gloria's direction, resulting in her landing on the floor with a loud thud. Physically, Alex isn't weak, especially when she is inflamed with adrenaline, but having three girls on one is a match Alex could never win. And one shove is all it takes to prove that theory true.

While Gloria's lagging recovery still has her face kissing the floor, Maritza and Aleida do not hesitate in pushing Alex against the wall and connecting their fists with Alex's skin in a violent confrontation.

Alex fights back, attempting to unlock herself from the retraining position that she is in, but fails miserably when Gloria joins the fight.

Hit after hit, Alex can do nothing more than take it and hope that it will end. She can already feel the blood trickling down her forehead and the bruises formulating on top of her skin.

Alex sinks down into the wall, covering her head as her back hits the floor. She makes sure she doesn't let anything out. Not a sound. Nothing. She just shuts her eyes, bracing herself, waiting for another part of her body to be hit with a powerful force that leaves everything to ache.

With eyes still closed, Alex feels the spray of saliva on her face accompanied by the sound of it leaving an unknown persons mouth. "Puta".

There's a long moment of silence in which Alex still keeps her eyes shut, scared that once she opens them, she'll be greeted by a blow to the face. So she keeps waiting and waiting, until finally she has the courage to open her eyes. There's no one else in the bathroom. Only Alex's naked body in a foetal position on the cold tiles. She smears away the blood on her forehead, and painfully sits up, wrapping the damp towel next to her around her battered body.

Her breathing hasn't subsided, in fact it's becoming more intense.

It feels like she's been here before. The same feeling just being mimicked in a difference circumstance. It takes Alex a while to realise why this all feels too familiar, but when she does, she not only feels it; she sees it.

Alex can see Aiden directly in front of her. The image of him is begging to be seen, begging to be feared and begging to rip any strength that's left out of Alex's body. Aiden never thought Alex deserved the strength she once had. They were never friends; just envious acquaintances that had to march under the same ruler.

"Stop, please stop." Alex grips the edge of her towel within her fist and tries to fight back the lump in her throat, but she knows Aiden can hear it in her voice already. The weak croaky tone that's as fragile as the moment glass hits the ground.

Aiden stands still, not a move to be seen. Not a twitch, or a jerk. Just completely still.

Alex feels every ounce of pain that she felt when she was attacked. Every piece of it. And it's not just the physical pain. It's the fear. The debilitating fear that death was standing right in front of her just waiting for the right moment to put a bullet right between Alex's eyes. She can't remember much, but she sure as hell can't get that fear out of her head.

She keeps blinking, again and again in an absolute panic, trying to rid her cloudy subconscious of the thing that terrifies her the most, until finally Aiden disintegrates, straight out of Alex's subconscious and vivid fantasy that has managed to end up in her reality.

Alex agonisingly gets up to look in the mirror. When she does she can see the Alex she once was in the hospital after she woke from her unconscious state. Every bruise in the exact same position. Same size. Same colour. A mirroring image to the person she thought she left behind. The broken Alex she thought she slowly got rid of.

She can see the imprint of the gun handle on the side of her face where Aiden smashed it, longing to hear the sounds of Alex's bones break and her moans consume the space surrounding them.

It's vivid. So very vivid.

Alex traces the marks with her fingertips, and caresses the uneven skin as the purples start to make an appearance on the many wounds Alex is playing show and tell with.

It's all too familiar.

...

Alex doesn't want to see Berdie Rogers. She doesn't want someone sitting on the edge of their chair waiting for a new piece of information to fall from Alex's mouth. She doesn't want help. Ever. Regardless of if she needs it or not.

"What am I doing here?" It's hostile. Dry. With the complete absence of any depth.

"I just wanted to check up on you." Rogers displays a sympathetic smile in Alex's direction. She cares, she really does, but the lack of effort Alex has put into their conversations alarms her.

"I don't need to be checked up on." The words escape Alex's mouth through the gaps in between her teeth as she keeps her jaw tight.

Rogers doesn't bother challenging Alex's belief. She knows exactly how it will end; in a hostile mess that stains the both of them like blood.

"How are you feeling with Piper not being here Alex?"

Alex can feel Rogers' objective piercing her skin, trying to dig for any information that she can get her hands on, but Alex isn't going to let her."Why?"

"Because I know how much she means to you Alex. And I care about your feelings surrounding it."

With a loud, obnoxious laugh, Alex throws her head back in complete hysteria "I don't believe that for a second. You only act like you're caring because it makes you feel better about yourself."

"You make my job a lot more difficult than it has to be. We can sit here and talk and you might surprise yourself and feel better after it."

"Or I will just feel even worse."

"Is that why you won't talk about yourself then?"

"Or I just don't want to fucking talk to you." Alex observes Rogers' facials shift into disappointment and hurt. She tries not to let herself feel sympathetic towards Rogers by trying to remember that Rogers doesn't actually care about her. It's always been the easiest way to stop Alex from getting hurt. Pretend that no one actually cares and you won't open up enough to let anybody in. But Alex's pretending has always seemed to turn into reality. People she thought she could trust turn into the biggest enemies of them all, full of manipulative words and empty care. All lies for their own personal benefit.

"You can't keep doing this alone Alex. You have a person sitting in front of you that _wants_ to listen and _wants_ to help you."

" _Because it's your job."_ There's an eery silence that trickles on for longer than it should until Rogers finally breaks in.

 _"_ What happened?" Rogers points to the wound vividly situated at the start of Alex's hair line with Alex becoming immediately self conscious, brushing her hair to hide the fresh mark.

"Nothing happened."

"Why do you feel like you have to lie to me?"

" _Nothing. Happened_." All the defence mechanisms that Alex can get her hands on are out in full force. She's doing everything in her power to make sure she doesn't let Rogers in.

Rogers twists her chair around to the right side of her desk and gently opens up the top draw, revealing a mirror that she rests in front of her, pointed in Alex's direction.

"Stop. I know it's there." Alex can't look at herself. Not one bit. She knows she will see everything she hates. Every demon. Her reflection is a haunting reminder that she's back to where she started from. This bruised and beaten version of herself that's so far from where she wants to be.

"Look at yourself Alex."

It's so hard for Alex to do. To physically shift her gaze and have it land on herself shouldn't be this hard. The confrontation between Alex and her reflection is creating a build up of anticipation that is unbearable. It's a vicious fight between knowing and hoping and the worst part is that Alex doesn't know which side is going to win.

After a strenuous few moments, Alex inches her head little by little until she is straight on with her reflection in the mirror. She can't stop looking. Like a sick addiction that will never suffice. Her gaze follows every part of her, making sure to stop at the places she's haunted by the most.

The fresh wound at the top of her forehead.

The severe swelling protruding from her cheek.

The eyes that just aren't the same anymore. A hollowness. An emptiness. They look like the eyes of a dead person. No life. No spark. Just hollow. And the realisation of this is physically painful.

A tear drops from Alex's lifeless eyes, smoothly flowing over the bruise on her cheek. The tear is the only movement in the whole room. Slow and delicate down Alex's face, but the reason for the tears is far from delicate. It's harsh and painful and the one person that can save her is drowning in her own ocean.

Water upon water until finally there's only room to sink.

And right now Alex is sinking too.

Sinking in front of a person that thinks she can save her too.

 **Author notes:**

 **Once again, I apologise for the delay! Life gets messy sometimes (NO OITNB DIRECT QUOTE INTENDED ;)) I've been itching to write the next chapter so hopefully it shouldn't be too far away.**


	8. Connected With Angels

_**Author notes:**_

This isn't something that I've ever done before, but I may develop this concept further... This whole chapter has been inspired by a particular song that I've mentioned further along in this chapter. Go ahead and listen to it. I think it adds another element to an already very emotional scene. It produces this almost melancholic ambience that I personally think is easier to interpret in a song, rather than words. Let me know if a song at the start of each chapter is worth adding in!

 _Song: Night troubles by PETIT BISCUIT_

This fic is drawing to an end. It will probably contain another 1-2 chapters and then i'll be focusing on post season 4 once it comes about.

...

Alex is hurting. Things are _fucking_ hurting her.

The void left by Piper's absence is hurting.

The isolation in the prison is hurting.

The sick feeling of being borderline psychotic is hurting.

Why does it all have to hurt so bad?

There is too many roads that lead to uncertain locations and it's overwhelming. Consuming her until all she can do is hide under the covers and hope that all the bad won't find her. But somehow it always does. All the bad creeps into Alex's mind and starts kicking down the walls she built up to try and feel somewhat protected.

Everyone asks what happened. Why the bruises are back, bleeding through Alex's face like watercolours staining a canvas and why it's visibly painful for her to get out of her chair after she's eaten in the cafeteria. But Alex always replies with nothing. Always just nothing until the person asking finally gives up and accepts the fact that she's not going to talk. The waters already too deep for Alex to be throwing anyone under the bus, no matter how much she wants to.

Alex tries to distract her self, sitting alone in the empty chapel, headphones in ears. She's grown accustomed to the sounds of songs that make her feel like she's anywhere but in prison. Songs that make her feel like she's in the clouds, rather than surrounded by criminals. On the outside, Alex always hated the way radio stations repeated the same songs over and over, but the one song that's repeating gives her a small sense of comfort. Alex has meticulously written the name and artist down on a piece of paper that she's hidden under her pillow in her bunk.

 _Night trouble by PETIT BISCUIT._

...

Alex doesn't feel herself put one foot in front of the other, but somehow she ends up outside her bunk. The walk from the chapel feels more like a hazy dream than reality, but then again everything feels like that. Nothing feels real. She feels so out of place, like she's not really alive. Like it's simply a shell walking around with the omission of everything Alex has ever stood for.

"Piper?" Alex is startled by the visualisation of Piper sitting on her bed. Is this another one of her subconscious dreams showing up in reality, or is this the real deal?

"Alex." It's the sound of relief. The sound of being able to breathe again.

Alex walks over to her to make sure it's not a hallucination. She almost feels as if she is floating. As if the Angels above have carried her closer, leaving their heavenly aura to linger in the space around them.

She puts her hand out to Piper's face and slowly inches it closer until she lands her fingertips on her cheek. Piper's skin is warm and soft, like the feeling of crawling up into bed with the person you love. Like the feeling of love itself.

Alex can see the sincere care in Piper's eyes. She looks mesmerised, star struck, like Alex is the most valuable person in the world and she doesn't want to hide it. She doesn't want to look away from the most integral part of her life because she's almost afraid they'll be separated again. An illogical fear that has proven to come true on one to many occasions.

Alex can't help herself. She can't help but lean in and seperate her lips, tenderly locking them with Piper's. She wants to taste everything. To feel everything. Every aspect of what she has been missing. She doesn't take the time to look around for guards, or snotty nosed inmates seeking a story, because her inimitable need is fearless.

The moment Piper's lips touch Alex's, it feels like Piper's favourite song. Or like watching the sunset on a beach in Tahiti. It feels like all the things she needs right now and it's all wrapped together in one package. It's all wrapped together in Alex.

It's that inevitability that she's always felt. No matter how far apart, no matter how dysfunctional, Alex is bound to her. By memories. By time. But strip that all away and they are bound together by their love. The love that was never lost despite the absence of one another over the years.

There is always still smoke in the air after the fire's been put out. But their fire has always been re-ignited. And all it takes is the taste of their lips to send them deep into the heat of the burning inferno.

Alex gently breaks her lips away from Piper's and tilts her head forward, touching Piper's forehead with hers "you're real".

The edge of Piper's lip curls up into a half smile as she whispers "Yes Alex, I'm real"

"I thought you weren't coming back Piper"

"They had to let me out sometime" Piper smirks, using her thumb to sweep back Alex's hair behind her ear.

"People usually don't come back from max." Alex's voice is serious and deep, and it catches Piper off guard.

"Max?"

"Yeah?"

"Alex, I wasn't in max?"

"What do you mean you weren't in max?"

"I was in SHU"

"What? Why were you in SHU?" In unison, Alex and Piper's facial features shift, scrunching up like paper.

"The Latina's were at me like a pack of wild dogs and I just snapped. Where... why did you think I was in max?"

"I... we... everybody just made the assumption that you were going down the hill. And I saw you being dragged away and everyone just thought the same thing."

Piper relaxes her face and takes a death breath in and out, with her breath tingling Alex's skin. "I'm not that much of a badass" Piper gives Alex a playful smirk and softly giggles, contagiously making Alex do the same.

"I'm glad you're here Pipes."

"Me too." Smooth like melting chocolate, Piper runs her fingers down Alex's arm, immediately sending goosebumps to the surface. She watches her fingers run down the skin, intrigued and mesmerised by just how Alex looks and feels. She's done it a million times before, and somehow she can never fully understand how someone can be so damn perfect. "I missed you."

"I missed you too Pipes." Alex closes the gap between their lips, opening the entrance to Piper with her tongue, tasting the remnants of a candy flavoured Chapstick. Every movement is softer than the next, with heavy breaths and long moments with their lips combined.

Piper's the first to break, trying to catch her breath. When she is finally able to, she draws her lips close to Alex's "I was really worried about you. Rogers told me to come straight here."

"Rogers did?"

"Yeah, I panicked. I didn't even ask for an explanation, I just raced down here. I mean, I would have come straight here anyway, but I got scared." Piper moves her lips over Alex's bruise that has stained her cheek. She plants a soft pepper kiss, cautious of Alex's pain. But with Piper's touch, Alex flinches, seizing up. "Hey, I'm so sorry. What happened to you?"

"Not now Pipes."

Piper nods in approval and follows Alex to her bed.

Piper shifts her body and moves Alex's pillow from the top of the bed to behind her back, leaning on it and continuing to face Alex's radiance. Piper's eyes trickle down to the space where the pillow used to be and notices a piece of paper that she gently places between her fingertips, slowly reading the words to try and make sense of it.

Piper looks up at Alex, confused. No words leave her mouth but Alex knows her thoughts exactly.

"It's, it's nothing. It's just, it's just a song." It comes out a little more defensive than Alex would have liked. It sounds like she's hiding something but Piper isn't someone she needs to be hiding from.

"What's it about Alex?"

"It's about anything you want it to be about. That's the beauty of it."

"What's it about to you?"

The air suddenly feels a lot heavier. Alex can feel the pressure of translating what she feels in to what she says.

"It's about feeling no pain."

Piper's face turns cold. She doesn't want to bear the thought of Alex being in any form of pain. She's seen it all too much and all she wants to do is fix it. But she doesn't know how. She just brings Alex closer, connecting lips, trying to make it last long enough to make Alex forget she's hurting. It's a stupid attempt, but every time Piper looks up at Alex after a kiss, Alex doesn't look so damaged.

"I'm sorry Alex."

"Stop being sorry. You don't have to be sorry."

"I just want you to be happy." Piper smiles. A forced, hiding behind walls type of smile. She tries to mask the tears that formulate in her eyes; tries to be strong because Alex needs her to be. It doesn't work. Alex can see right through it and Piper feels almost ashamed. Angry that she is the one breaking when Alex is going through far worse. But every introduction of a tear is due to the frustration that Piper doesn't have the ability to fix Alex, and that's all she wants to do. She wants to magically say the right thing and make Alex feel better in the blink of an eye, but she can't. No one can. And that reality is staring her right in the face.

"Just be here. I'm better when you're here." Alex takes Piper's hand in hers, drawing circles on her palm while Piper strokes the top of Alex's hand.

"I'm not going anywhere. I love you. I want to see you get better Al. You tell me what you need and I'll do it. I'll be here. Always. I love you _so_ much. I love you and I love you and I love you."


	9. Lost in You

Alex wakes to a tender touch. The feeling of silk running lightly across her face with a gentleness that's all too familiar. It feels like the waves that tenderly kiss the grains of sand on the shore, coming back for more and more.

"Good morning Al, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you" Piper whispers, just loud enough for Alex to hear, with the same gentleness that her touch possesses.

Alex opens her eyes to reveal her morning pupils and loosens her lips, unleashing her thick, husky voice "you're still real?" She trickles her hand down Piper's neck to try and validate her question. She's still waiting to wake up from it all, with reality being that Piper is nothing but a lost soul trying to break away from max. But Piper is _still_ here even though Alex has awoken. She's _still_ making Alex gasp at the mere existence of her presence.

Piper looks at her with squinty eyes, trying to comprehend why she's unable to crack the code that Alex has embedded inside her "Why do you keep asking me that?" It sends Alex into lockdown. Into a place of insecurity, locking the doors and boarding up all the windows in an effort to run into hiding. She doesn't understand why she's been unable to collect her thoughts or why dreams and reality have morphed into one world. She can't help it. It's out of her control.

Piper can see every bit of Alex's lockdown. Every insecurity, every turn of the lock and every nail hammered into the piece of wood. It wasn't her intention to set Alex off, but she managed to do it anyway. "I'm sorry Alex. Look at me baby" Piper places her delicate fingers under Alex's chin, ushering it to face Piper. "I'm real" Piper says as she plants a soft, long kiss on top of Alex's lips. Alex nods in approval, but she can't tell if she's nodding because she doesn't want it to end, or because she believes Piper's claim. She can't trust her instincts anymore. They have taken her to haunted forests many times before where all that's left are her nightmares. She trusts everything Piper says, but she's been wrong to do so before.

"I brought you this." Piper reaches in and out of her pocket revealing an all white tube. "To put on your bruises. It'll help."

"Thanks Pipes." Alex meets Piper's hand and places the tube next to her on the crinkled bed sheet. She looks around, agitated and unfocused, preparing herself for the explanation that is about to escape her mouth. "I stuck up for you."

"What?"

"Gloria and those other fuckers. They said you were going to get killed. I couldn't handle it. That's why I look like a fucking Dalmatian."

Piper looks scared. She's damn scared that the reason Alex is hurt is because of her. It's like fucking deja vu all over again. She can't keep doing this. This isn't her part to play. She's meant to be protecting Alex now. Keeping her away from harm and yet she's staring in the face of a bruised beauty that is still leaps and bounds ahead of protecting her. "You didn't have to do that Al. I deserve all of it."

"I couldn't have said nothing even if I wanted to" Alex locks onto Piper's eyes, but Piper can't look. She turns her focus away, staring at random inanimate objects scattered around the room. It's like she's searching for her strength, but all she can see is guilt. Masses and masses of guilt staring her right in the face.

"Here" Piper grabs hold of the tube and disposes a small amount of the contents on her finger, distributing it softly onto the bruise stamped upon Alex's cheek. She caresses Alex's skin lightly, but not light enough to stop Alex from squinting her eyes in pain. "I'm sorry Al"

"Don't be."

Piper rests her head against Alex's, feeling her breath tingle her skin and subside slowly to a neutral pace. "Do you want to catch breakfast?"

Alex has the face of contemplation smeared like paint on a canvas. She reaches over to Piper's face and tenderly moves her apart, swirling her thumb on the smooth stretch that is Piper's skin still pondering.

"It'll make you feel better. I promise." Piper moves her face to the side so she is able to kiss Alex's hand.

Alex sighs lightly, but doesn't resist when Piper jumps up and places her hand out like she's ready to tackle the world with her.

...

The cafeteria is a jungle with all kinds of species thrown into one mosh pit full of chaos. In some miracle of events, Alex and Piper manage to grab their plates of food; if you could call it food, and take a seat at an unoccupied table. It only takes a glance at the slop on the plate to lose their appetite. A mushed up concoction of unclassified ingredients that vividly resemble a dark shade of puke.

Alex pokes and prods at the contents of her plate, never bringing anything close to her mouth because let's face it, she'd rather go hungry than eat what's in front of her.

In a bid of small talk between Alex and Piper that they actually both enjoy, Alex spots Rogers walking past the table. Rogers flashes a smile as she cheerily walks towards them. "Good to see you two. Alex, I'd like you to come to my office after you're done here if that's alright with you?"

Alex looks at Piper, as if she wants her to make the decision for her. As if there is a wrong and a right option to choose.

Piper stays silence, confusingly staring at Alex waiting for an answer but instead it's just pure silence and anticipation.

"No interrogation, I promise." Rogers says, breaking the silence.

Alex turns back to Rogers and nods without a word escaping her mouth. She nods with uncertainty, but it's a nod all together.

...

"Alex, hey, take a seat." Rogers seems particularly excited by Alex's appearance in her office. The office itself is a lot brighter and so is Alex.

Alex makes herself comfortable on the tired chair that creaks as she rests her back upon it. Seeing Rogers doesn't seem as heavy and pressured as it has before. Everything's lighter and Alex feels a sense of peace and quietness surrounding her.

"How's your day been?" Rogers asks through the smile thrown across her face like she's waiting for the answer to kiss her lips with devotion and happiness.

Alex doesn't say anything. She in engulfed by Rogers' kind eyes but does not feel the need to speak. She looks down at her hands and plays with her fingers, looping them around and around each other with her head remaining down.

"I'm just asking how your day's been Alex."

Very quietly like a scared child Alex says "it's been ok."

"Just ok?"

"It's been... _It's been good_." Alex let's out a small laugh of disbelief. She hasn't felt good for as long as she can remember. Her days have been black, so heavily black that Alex felt as if she was choking on the thick matter around enough to suffocate. But today it feels like she's smeared the evil right out of her lungs and her throat is finally cleared. She can breathe again.

"Yeah? And why is that Alex?" Alex didn't think Rogers could look any happier, but she was totally wrong. Rogers face looks like a Christmas tree, all tied up with flashing lights and ornaments that scream joy. After the strength of Rogers facial expression diminishes, Alex focuses on the question at hand. Her day is good because of Piper. It always is.

To wake up and feel her skin on hers

Hear her voice

Have her scent radiate through the room

It has a way of making Alex feel like the world won't fall apart.

"I woke up and I felt ok." Despite Alex's mind racing like a Ferrari on a highway, her reply is as dry and mundane as ever.

"What's changed?"

" _You know."_ Her voice is deeper and more dominant than ever. She feels like a little kid. Like Rogers is waiting for Alex to say her first words and jump for joy with excitement.

"I want you to say it Alex. Acknowledge what makes you feel better"

Alex rests her hand on her lips, staying silent, staring at Rogers and waiting for her to break the tension. She never does. Rogers waits and waits, both of them in the depths of silence for way too long.

"She does" Alex cuts the silence with a knife, straight down the middle with its contents overflowing and spilling all through the room.

"Who's _she_?"

"Piper"

"How does Piper make you feel better?"

Rogers genuinely thinks Alex can put how Piper makes her feel into words. She couldn't no matter if she had all the time in the world. There's no existence of words that describes feelings so strong and no collaboration of letters to even remotely formulate an image of what Piper does to Alex. "She just does".

Rogers smirks. "I wanted to celebrate" Rogers opens up her top draw... An all too familiar feeling, with Alex thinking back to the mirror and how she replayed the reflection of her demolished face like a record. But Rogers doesn't pull out a mirror. She pulls out a plastic bag and places it's contents one by one onto the desk.

Alex eyes open up, knowing how much she took the small things for granted outside of prison. Everything is in all it's glory laid out in plain sight.

Pointing to each item one by one, Rogers introduces them "Chocolate milkshake, cheeseburger and French fries, and one caramel and one strawberry donut. I didn't know what you liked."

"You want me to do something for this or what?"

Rogers laughs "Alex, this is a celebration. You just have to eat it here though because the last thing I want is for you to get into trouble."

Alex hesitantly looks down at the food, physically feeling herself salivate. She remembers the slop that laid on her plate at breakfast and oh god, this is like angels have come down and made it themselves just for Alex.

"It's not going to bite" Rogers smirks

Alex doesn't touch it. She just glares in appreciation, scared that it will disappear.

"I'll tell you what. I'm going to go have my lunch with the delinquents that work here, so I'll leave you to it. Enjoy Alex"

Rogers makes sure to close the door as quietly as she can, and the second that it's shut, Alex unwraps the burger and slowly, bite by bite, demolished it, cherishing every mouthful.

After a few minutes of feeling like she's been floating on a cloud, Alex scoops up her rubbish and places it in the trash can on the other side of the desk. She engulfed everything except for the donuts. She stuffs the bag with them in it in the waistband of her pants and proceeds to leave in a better mood than she ever thought possible.

...

"Chapman" Alex storms into Piper's bunk like she owns the place, turning around quickly to make sure there are no guards patrolling the nearby area before scooping Piper up in her arms, pressing their bodies together. It catches Piper off guard, but she has nothing but a smile stretched from ear to ear.

"I'm guessing it went well?" Piper laughs into Alex's neck, overjoyed because happy Alex was thought to be a long lost memory.

"I got something for you." Alex softly places Piper down on the bed, unveiling the donuts from the waistband of her pants.

Piper's mouth drops. Who knew food would be such a luxury? "Where the hell did you get those from?"

Alex stuffs the donuts back where they came from and grabs Piper's arm "Let's go"

...

The chapel. The place of worship and the place of many sexual interactions under the watchful eyes of God. Of all the eccentric actions that have taken place in the chapel, it's safe to say that two people have never been huddled away eating donuts before.

"Do you remember Berlin Pipes? We sat outside in the pouring rain eating donuts that were like twenty dollars each. It was ridiculous." Alex tilts her head back, resting it on the chair behind her and letting out an echoing laugh that's reciprocated by Piper.

"They were pretty good donuts though. Totally worth it. So are these, my goodness. I never knew I would miss a donut so much."

It's the silent wondering. The image of Berlin stapled into their minds and both Alex and Piper can't do anything but explore it again. Everything feels the same, but everything is so different now. There's no more freedom and yet in this moment they feel free, as if the prison gates don't exist. And then the memories fade and reality seeps in again. Long prison sentences and criminals surrounding them everywhere. Piper and Alex are just two of them.

"Can we go back?" Pipers voice is mellow and warm.

"Back where?"

"To Berlin"

"If we could go now don't you think we would?"

"After all this. The second we can go, let's book a flight." Piper places her hand on top of Alex's, intertwining their fingers together like vines. She knows that the more they think about the outside world, the more they will miss it, but when the world is so big and you're just stuck in one place, it's hard not to think about it.

"Pipes, I don't think you realise that things aren't going to be the way they used to be. I don't have drug money to live off. I'm flat out broke. They took _all_ of it. I don't have rich parents to pay for trips to Berlin."

"I do though" With a raise of her eyebrows, Piper smirks at Alex.

"You really think they are going to give you money after all that we've both done?"

"I don't know, maybe."

"It literally kills me to say this, but what if we do it the regular people way?" Alex sighs at the thought, but let's face it, she never wants to end up in here again.

"Like getting jobs kinda way?"

"Yeah"

"It's going to be so different than what we're used to"

"Maybe for you"

"What do you mean?"

"I didn't grow up rich Pipes. _You did_." Piper didn't know Alex before her riches. She never knew an Alex that wasn't breaking the law and she _still_ can never imagine Alex struggling with money, but just because she didn't see it, doesn't mean it didn't happen. It was Alex and her mother trying to make ends meet and Piper has never been subjected to that. She's never even had to think about money because it's always been there, served on a platter by her parents.

"We'll make it work Al, we always do. I don't know how, but we will."

And in that moment, nothing had been more true. Somehow Alex and Piper have always come out the right end of the tornado, despite being thrown up, spinning with the catastrophic circumstances and events. They always landed on their feet.

Even if that means secretly eating donuts in a chapel, reminiscing about a time they were lost in.

Lost in time

Lost in each other

Lost in the memories they will never forget


	10. You're My Family To Prison and Back

A key into the lock.

A twist of the door handle.

A gentle tingle as the keys hit the counter.

And then the most beautiful person in the world standing right before her very eyes.

This is the only way Alex ever wants to finish the day. It's something that she's never gotten sick of, much like her freedom.

Two years out of prison and Alex never thought she would have her shit together, but as she walks up behind the stunning Piper Chapman as she stirs a pot of Pasta Carbonara, she couldn't be happier.

"Hey babe" Alex squeezes Piper lightly in her arms from behind, feeling her smirk on the side of her cheek. There's something magical about a person making you feel so invaluable and so irreplaceable and Alex is so glad that every living moment with Piper has the same reciprocated feelings.

Piper still gets butterflies every time Alex calls her name and her body tingles every time she walks through the door. Piper really never thought she would see the day that Alex would be working a job that wasn't illegal, but as she watches her come home and speak of the amazing art pieces she has distributing with a certain light ignited in her eyes, she wonders why the idea was ever so far fetched.

"Hey Al" Piper turns around, quickly locking lips passionately with Alex. It's hard and intense, like they need each others taste to survive.

Alex pulls back, watching a hungry Piper follow her in an attempt to catch her lips again "Did you miss me?" Alex whispers into Piper's mouth.

"Never" Piper sends a playful wink in Alex's direction, perking her lips up into a smile before she closes the gap once again. Their lips flow smoothly around each other, knowing exactly where to follow and where to lead to next. Alex bites the edge of Piper's bottom lip, just hard enough to leave a sting as she holds it tight and hears the whimper that Piper unintentionally lets leave her body.

Through the passion and emotion radiating through the room, Piper hears the mild simmer of the pot of food on the stove behind her. She pulls away, quickly being pulled back to Alex with a light tug of the chin. "Al, I love you, but I'm going to kill you if you make me burn dinner"

Alex laughs, dropping her hands and watching Piper ever so elegantly turn to stir the pot of food simmering away.

She still can't believe that Piper is hers.

That she's the one that gets to taste her lips. That she's the one to see her perfect body.

That she's the one she gets to play house with in a way she never thought would be.

And she loves ever moment of it.

"What, are you sick of my lips Pipes?" Alex stands with arms folded, trying to retain her smirk that's itching it's way onto her face.

Piper turns her head "are you fucking serious?" Slowly and seductively, Piper walks closer to Alex, taking her lips and softly intertwining them with hers. She makes sure Alex has no control, pinning her arms to the top of the counter right next to her head "I will _never_ get sick of these lips"

Alex is panting hard, trying to regain her breath but Piper won't let her, sending chills down her spine with every touch of her lips. "What's the matter Al?" Piper squints her eyes and smiles as Alex tries to formulate a string of words.

"What can I say, you take my breath away" Alex breathing comes to a neutral pace as Piper's eyebrows raise in wonder. She secretly loves having this hold on Alex, but she knows that Alex has a hold on her too. They are both in the same depth of love. The same page in the same book and they can't wait to read ahead.

"Hungry for some actual food?" Piper unlinks herself from Alex, turning towards the stove without waiting for Alex's answer.

"What's that supposed to mean? Were you just the appetiser?" Alex stays still in the position Piper left her in, trying to recover. It never gets any easier letting her go, even if it is just to the stove. She's selfish in the fact that she wants Piper next to her at all times, feeling her and tasting her. A heavy addict that can't seem to get enough of her drug.

"It means lets go eat dinner alright?" Piper walks through the corridor to their bedroom, by passing Alex and handing her a bowl of pasta.

Piper and Alex have a perfectly good dining table, but somehow they've created a tradition of eating dinner in bed. It's warmer and more intimate, and neither one of them want it to change.

Alex strips her jacket off her homely body and places it on her side of the bed, just in front of where she takes a seat.

Through the silence in the room escapes sounds of forks hitting the ceramic bowls and mouthfuls of food engulfed in minutes.

"This is so much better than that tampon McMuffin you had in Litchfield. You remember that Pipes?" Alex laughs, making sure to retain eye contact with Piper.

"Oh my god, at that point I thought Red was ready to bury my starved body in a ditch."

"We were all different people in prison, all survivors and nothing more. We all just wanted to get through our sentences. I think Red's focus in life is her family now that she's out and that's all she wants to have in mind."

"Same here" Piper says softly. Alex looks at her puzzled, not quite understanding her remark.

"You're my family." Piper says louder, but still gentle, making sure Alex gets the point. Alex's facials morph from confused to realisation in the matter of moments, followed by an attempt to hide a smile that cannot be hidden. _Piper called her family_. Alex never really thought she would see the day when Piper verbally acknowledged it and she really can't contain her happiness.

Piper can't help but laugh at Alex's attempt to keep a neutral face. It really is a bad attempt, but it warms Piper's heart knowing that Alex appreciates her sincerity. Alex doesn't even have to say anything for Piper to know that she appreciates it, it's all in her expression. "Prison made you a bit slow Al?" Piper enthusiastically laughs, leaning into Alex's embrace.

"Hey." The smile still hasn't subsided. It remains strung across Alex's face, making friends with the laugh that escapes her mouth. "You done?" Alex points to Piper's bowl.

"Yeah" Piper passes her bowl over to Alex, watching her leave the room.

Piper glances over to the other side of the bed, picking up the jacket Alex had left to lay. She brings it up to her face, nuzzling into the soft cotton fabric and embracing it's scent. Of all the wonderful things Piper has been subject to, nothing is quite like the distinct scent of Alex Vause. It's homely and warm and with it lingering in the air and embedding Piper's clothes and hair, she feels protected.

"Piper, come in here" Piper jolts with the sound of Alex's voice. She carefully places Alex's jacket back where she found it and quietly walks towards the sound of Alex's voice.

As she gets closer she can hear the familiar sound of the mellow strumming of a guitar coming from the speaker perched on top of the counter.

 _Keep it one hundred babe_

Piper begins to laugh with a childlike happiness with the recognition of the first line. Somehow without acknowledgement, it's become Alex and Piper's song.

"Come dance with me" Alex holds out her hand, Piper gently taking it and placing her other hand around Alex's waist ever so tenderly. The lights in their apartment are off with only the city lights shining through the window reflecting on the mirror hung up on the wall. Piper situates her face into Alex's neck, planting light kisses in a rhythmic motion.

 _Tell me that the pussy is mine, yeah_

 _Tell me, tell me baby, it's all mine_

In unison, both Piper and Alex whisper the chorus like it's an unspoken secret that only they can know about.

 _"_ Look how far we've come Al" Piper looks up, locked onto Alex's bright eyes that are shining through the darkness.

This is her home.

This is her family.

This is her love.

This is her flame that can never burn out.

"I love you Al."

"I love you too Pipes."

A love that can never shift.

Never bend.

Never break.

For somehow the night lights cheer the passion that's even brighter than they are.

To prison and back. Forever.

 _Author notes:_

 _AND THAT'S A WRAP! I wanted to keep it short and sweet for the final chapter. Thank you for all the feedback and well wishes. I will see you all again with a new post season 4 fic once i've finished watching it (I will probably binge watch like the rest of you and finish in a day). Happy Orange watching and remember... Vauseman is ALWAYS endgame._


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